Why Not Unschooling?

Lately I've been wondering if I may not be heading in the direction of unschooling as our approach to home educating our kids.  The short answer is no.

Two reasons.  One, I keep hearing how unschoolers "trust" their children.  I don't think trust is a relevant term.  How can you trust someone to do something if they've never been exposed to it?  How can you trust someone to do the right thing if they've never been taught right from wrong?  How can you trust someone to know what to do without being explicitly directed?  This last one is particularly pertinent to me as an autistic woman who flew under the radar for over four decades.  There are many "common sense" things I only learned when they were explicitly explained to me, usually by my husband!  So I know first hand that not everything that comes naturally to one person will be natural to another.  I trust my children with the things they have already shown themselves to be trustworthy in.  That's the other thing.  I don't automatically trust people until they have shown me they are trustworthy.  Trust is earned.  I expect to have had my children "earn" my trust in their self-directed education by the time they are somewhere in their teens, but not before.  How do they know what they don't know?  How do they know what there is to know?  Of course, I can't teach them everything, nor do I want to.  But having more life experience than them, I at least know what sort of things have come in handy for me and why, and therefore which things I want to equip them with for the future.  

The second reason I won't be unschooling is because this is a join venture.  We are learning together.  Some things, they bring to the table and we all learn together.  Other things I bring to the table, and again, we all learn together.  I do not fill our days with busy work.  I do not insist on things because that's what the public schools are doing.  In the words of Charlotte Mason, I try to create a certain atmosphere where certain subject matter is a daily topic of conversation, and I try to instill a certain discipline in doing things because they have been set before us as being important by someone we love.  I think it is not the right attitude to raise a child to believe that they never have to bow to authority, that they are the master/mistress of their own life, because this is not always possible nor even healthy.  Of course, I want my kids to shoot for the stars, but not without proper safety equipment in place first!  Certain knowledge and skill sets are simply universally foundational in our society.  There is no question, for instance, that to be successful (productive/content/healthy) adults, they will need to not only have basic English literacy and numeracy down, but also cultural literacy (history, geography, social sciences, foreign languages, the arts), basic understanding of the physical world around them (sciences), and critical thinking skills to offset the incessant gaslighting present in mass media that passes as "news".  

The exact content for any of these may be up for debate, but the importance of some level of all of these "subjects" is beyond contestation for me.  And the idea that my kids should have to wait until the situation arises in order to be intrinsically motivated to then finally learn the pertinent information or skills seems like a major waste of time and procrastination of the inevitable.  Instead, when faced with the situation at hand, they ought to be able to hit the ground running, already knowing what to do for the best outcome.

I don't think higher level math or science is necessary unless one is going into a field that requires it.  But arithmetic and basic algebra is something we use as part of our financial literacy such as budgeting, and in meal-planning and cooking - at the very least.  

I don't think an in-depth understanding of the intricacies of chemistry or physics is necessary for everyone, but understanding the basics of weather patterns, seasons, how these affect the availability of food, what happens to waste, the environmental impact of our consumer choices - these are all things that matter.

I don't think everyone needs to be a lyricist or public speaker or poet, but let's be honest.  People judge us based on how we express ourselves both orally and in writing.  Misspellings and bad grammar may not necessarily translate to lack of know-how on a given subject, but they will look bad and cost us our credibility.

I could go on but I won't.  The bottom line is, taking the relaxed, eclectic Charlotte Mason-inspired approach to our home education, my children spend 2-3 hours a day on content prepared by me, and the rest of their waking hours (so about 11 hours!) pursuing their passions, getting lost in their own pursuits, following rabbit trails, perfecting the skills they find most interesting, inquiring about information they find most appealing, doing whatever their hearts desire.  Letting go of those 2-3 daily hours of prepared content will not help my children suddenly have the amount of time they need to self-educate... they already do that!  They do that on the weekends, during breaks, in the evenings, and they don't realize they are still learning even though we don't officially call it "homeschooling".  

In a word, we won't be unschooling because we don't have to.  We already have the perfect set up with the right balance of prepared content and freedom to cover all of our bases.

Am I religious?

What does it mean to be religious?  I used to be both, religious and spiritual.  Specifically, I was "a believer".  I believed in the standard interpretation of my faith tradition.  I identified so closely with my religion, that I didn't appreciate the cultural aspect of religion and simply associated religion with "truth".  So when I started to doubt the literal "truth" of my religion, I embarked on a decades-long spiritual journey to find a different religion that could take the place of my previous world-view.  Never in over 20+ years did it occur to me that maybe none of the world religions have the full, literal truth of reality.  I simply assumed that one of them must, and if it isn't mine, it must be a different one, and once I found it, I would convert, so that I could see the world through the lense of truth again.

Even after having gotten a pretty decent understanding of many different faith traditions and finding some fault with every single one of them, I could not allow to rise to the surface what was already brewing deep within: none of the religions have the literal truth because that isn't the purpose of religion.  Religion is an aspect of culture, meant to help people find their place in the world.  It teaches us how to get along with each other, how to overcome difficulties, how to live meaningful lives, and eases the trauma of transitioning from this life to eternity - both for those approaching death and those left behind.

In fact, religion is quite useful and can be a very positive force in a person's life... unless it is interpreted literally and God is taken hostage and kept far away from all nuances of understanding and meaning. Then it is no different than any other cult, just much more socially acceptable and widely practiced.

When I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, I was handed a symbolic new set of lenses through which to see the world.  I was given the gift of self-understanding.  My incessant need to label things in order to understand them finally helped me look back on my life and appreciate why I had been unable to find "the religion of truth."  The name of the game was: nuance!

As I began to slowly recognize that nothing in life was strictly black or white, whether I wanted it to be or not, I began to apply this same logic to my faith tradition.  I finally accepted that there was nothing to run away from and nothing to run to.  I would have no choice but to form my own personal belief system based on what I have learned from all the different faith traditions, from personal experience, and from science and logic.  

After a brief time of mourning, I started to think about how I could reintroduce the religion of my upbringing into my adult life in a meaningful way.  I hadn't technically left the church - not since coming back the second time some years ago.  Not physically, anyway.  But mentally and emotionally, I had checked out.  

I was Catholic through and through.  I was familiar with the liturgy of the Mass, even if it's changed a lot since my childhood (not even counting the change in language).  I was comfortable with a lot of the messages that come to me from the art, music, ritual, and Bible stories.  And if life is about nuance, then I can take the good with the bad... or rather, I can take the good and leave the bad.  I don't have to allow the bad things to totally ruin the good.  I can simply learn to ignore the things that are illogical, immoral (ironic, I know), or just irrelevant to my life.

And circling back to the need to label... how do I label myself now?  Am I religious?  My knee-jerk reaction was that yes, in spite of no longer believing in the basic Christian theology, by virtue of being appreciative of Catholic ritual, I was still religious.  But lately, I've wondered if that's not misleading.  Generally people use "religious" and "believer" as if they were interchangeable.  They are not.  I am not both, religious and a believer.  I am just religious.  But my religiosity does not mean that I follow the dictates of my religion, well, religiously.  And that's because my religion is a part of my culture.  I have freedom in only adopting those parts of my culture/religion that actually bring me closer to God and being a better person.  Those are the very point of religion, if you ask me.

And so I'm spiritual, religious, but not a believer.  Of course, that last term is a misnomer as well.  I believe in plenty of things, even spiritual realities that haven't been (or cannot be) proven by science.  I just form my own opinions and beliefs now, instead of simply regurgitating what has been passed down as unquestionable tradition.  

Autism Accomodations

I have never had formal accommodations.  Not in school, not at work, not ever.  I was diagnosed just last fall, the day after my 43rd birthday.  And only now I can see that I've been getting accommodations all my life without even realizing it.  My life is THAT charmed.  I never even had to ask for it, but now that I know what to look for, I see how my life has always been filtered through someone's assistance.  First, it was my parents, who sheltered me and kept my childhood near idylic.  The only small problem was that, unaware of my autism, they didn't realize I'd need to be intentionally taught basic things about getting along in life, such as meal planning and cooking, and that I did not automatically understand the nuances of life.  Instead, once I heard a statement and took it to be true, it was 100% unequivocally true for all time.  I didn't realize it may change with time or circumstances, or that it may only be partially true.  So I ran into many instances of confusion and frankly, like life was gaslighting me.  

At age 19, after getting my Associate's Degree while still living at home, I joined the Army.  It, too, came with its own accommodations.  I was told where to be when, what to wear, what to do, when and what to eat (without having to cook or plan any of it) etc. While very stifling for some, it eliminated the need for my autistic brain to struggle with decision fatigue.  I didn't enjoy the poor morale, though, and as fate would have it, my father's accident and resulting traumatic brain injury gave me an early out of my military commitment.  

But by the grace of God, though, by this time I had met my now-husband, who followed me to my home state and with whom I lived after getting out of the Army.  And it is he who has filtered life for me ever since.

I have never lived on my own.  I have never had to juggle work and bills and school and parenting and whatever else people consider non-negotiables.  I've been cruising and unaware of it.

Thanks to my autism diagnosis, I've been reflecting on how I've gotten this far in life without any accommodations.  I was diagnosed with "level 1" autism, which already would imply I should be able to get along better than others on the spectrum.  But even so.  I have a graduate degree.  I served in the military.  I speak multiple languages.  I held down several long-term jobs.  I had two home births and I homeschool my children.  All things that seem like accomplishments for many people, especially those who wouldn't personally see themselves doing some of these things.

But see, I have had unofficial accommodations all along.  That's why I've been able to do what I have done.  I have had a support system, if even in only one or two people.  I have had people who accepted me as I am, appreciated me for what I did bring to the table, and didn't fault me for what I didn't.  I have experienced unconditional love since day one.

No wonder neither I nor anyone else ever thought I could have autism.  And yet, finding out has been one of the best things to have happened to me.  Because now I don't feel guilty for the shortcomings that have led me to depend on my "accommodations". 

When I Stopped Being Christian

I had been on a decades-long search for "Truth" (with a capital "T"), reading and researching all major (and several minor) world religions.  I've been able to find some truth everywhere I turned, making it increasingly more difficult to choose "the one right path".  I refused to acknowledge that there was no such thing. 

I finally turned to Eastern Orthodox Christianity.  I found a beautiful little church where I periodically attend Saturday vespers, where I stand in the presence of the Divine, surrounded by reminders of the holy, transported to a timeless place by the candlelight and chanting.  I met Father Joshua here, a very approachable priest who is a husband and father of 9!  I started taking Intro to Orthodoxy classes with him and a very small group of other inquirers, most already having committed to conversion.  

I enjoyed these sessions very much.  But what became undeniable thanks to them is that there was an entire ocean of disconnect between what Orthodoxy - and in fact, Christianity in general - teaches and what I actually believe in my heart of hearts.  I so wanted Orthodoxy to be the answer to my prayers.  In a way, it was, but not in the way I expected.  Orthodoxy was like a living history experience, helping me feel closer to the earlier Christians.  As I became convinced that Orthodoxy is probably one of the closest interpretations of Christianity that there is, I likewise became convinced that I could pretend no longer to believe that the Christian myths and legends were literally true.

Actually, depending on whom you ask, you'll learn that literal interpretation is actually besides the point, or at least it can be.  And it is this new understanding that is allowing me to start reconstructing my place within the Christian mythos.  For a long time now, I've said that I find the symbolic understanding of various Christian teachings to be much more relevant and meaningful to me than the literal explanations, but since the symbolic is only ever given any airway as a layer upon the assumed literal, it's hard to have one without the other among other Christians.  

If a Christian is a follower of Christ, and if Christ is the Logos, the Way and the Truth and the Life, then Christ is the Western embodiment of the Tao, and then I can call myself a Christian.  But really, it would be more accurate and less cumbersome to just say I am a cultivator of the Tao (however imperfectly I stumble with that).  Maybe personifying all manner of divine energies does more harm than good, at least for my sense of ... rightness.  My sense of familiarity and comfort is absolutely very much still within the Catholic-Orthodox liturgical church life.  The rituals are meaningful.  The ornamentation is beautiful.  The music can be uplifting (it pretty much is guaranteed to be in the Orthodox church - with the Catholic church, it's hit or miss.)  

But alas, I cannot yoke myself fully to this religious identity, because with it come certain expectations and limitations that I do not find helpful nor necessary.  For this reason, I'm unable to convert to Orthodoxy, as this would be hypocrisy.  But I am able to periodically bask in Orthodoxy's divine beauty as a visitor (thank God they welcome visitors!), while remaining Catholic.  You see, I can't shake being Catholic even if I wanted to.  The Catholic church doesn't seem to care much if I actually believe what it teaches.  It just wants to count me among its adherents.  And since the feeling is sort of mutual, it's a win-win for me.  Contrary to what I used to think, I'm not being a hypocrite if I participate in Catholic ritual with reservations, because there is an overwhelming sense of "God meets you where you are", and this is where I am, so I keep bringing myself as-is to God, and whatever God deems appropriate, God will do regarding my faith journey.  

What I need to do is completely let go of any sense of external validation from fellow Catholics/Christians/believers.  It is not for them that I remain a Catholic.  It is to nourish that of God that resides within me.  I do it for me and I do it for God.  And if ever God decides to lead me elsewhere, I hope I will be strongly tethered at that point to God-the-Truth and not merely God-the-Interpretation, to follow the path laid out in front of me.