Today I said Goodbye to my Dad again, for the last time.

Today my father was buried in Poland, in the same grave as his parents.  He is back home with his Mother.  My mom fulfilled his last request by taking the trip in spite of the cost, headaches and heartaches, and physical difficulties that arise from her health.  My brother and his wife accompanied her on the journey.  It was bittersweet for me to not be there, but I am content with my decision.  I said goodbye to him at the funeral home where he was cremated, the day after he passed on.  Then I had several "visists" with him in the vicinity of his urn while he stayed with my Mom, and I even kept his urn in my house for a time.  Several years ago, when my parents were visiting us for Christmas (which was a rare event), I thanked him for bringing me to this country and for being instrumental in how my life turned out.  I wish we could've had a better relationship than we did, but I'm also relieved to finally be allowed to grieve and get closure.  

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the day he was involved in a motorcycle accident that left him with a severe traumatic brain injury.  He passed on the day before my parents' 46th wedding anniversary, and serendipitously he was buried on the anniversary of the accident that could've killed him but didn't.  We got an extra 23 years with him, albeit he was a different version of himself.

Today is also the summer solstice; the longest day and shortest night of the year.  Auspicious in my opinion.  The night is short and will soon pass.  Time is an illusion.  It is only the boundaries of the container that holds our drinking water.  With or without it, the water is still there, still able to quench our thirst.  The glass just makes it easier while we're having our human experience.

My faith is not where it's been before.  I don't believe in the literal stories associated with the organized religion of my upbringing.  I believe it's all symbolic and often serves as more of a handicap than an insight into the deep mysteries of Spirit.  Instead, I have embraced philosophical Daoism.  My Dad is no less than he was 2 years ago, no less than he was 25 years ago.  Just different, again.  We're just on different vibrational frequencies now, that's all.  

I no longer try to force things into religious interpretations.  Rather, I try to empty my mind of limiting beliefs, of ego-centric assumptions, of internalized interpretations that are not based on my own personal experience.  It's not that my Dad "went to heaven".  It's more that he never left it, and has now been reunited with Source in an unadulterated way, without the confines of a physical body, a human experience, or the limitations of time and space.   It's MY experience that I have to reconfigure, not his.  I'm the one who isn't living in reality.  I'm the one who is running on autopilot instead of being mindful of the incredible miracle that is every breath and heartbeat and moment.

I don't have to be here.  I once wasn't here, and I won't always be here.  But .... that's only true IF I identify my personal "I" with this human mind and body.  Instead, if I recognize that I am not my body or my mind, but something far greater, that I AM a mere part of a much greater whole, that I am energy, I am spirit, I am light, I am being - then I simply float in and out of "existence" via incarnations, but who knows what I'm doing in between incarnations.  Who knows what consciousness is like outside the confines of a physical brain.

Anywho, this was the first funeral for both my Mom and my brother, so in that regard, I'm glad they got the chance to participate over me.  I've been to three other funerals: my great-grandmother, my best friend, and my father-in-law.  Each was completely different, with a completely different cultural setting.  And each was clearly for the benefit of those of us left behind.  

One thing I know and I've told my children and husband - I do not have any "last wishes" regarding how my body should be handled after I die.  I prefer cremation, but outside of that, I want whatever will be most comfortable, convenient, and affordable to them at the time.  I will have already moved on from the attachments of this current life, so why continue to string my loved ones along when they can be free like me.

Catholic Ecclectic Unschooling?!

I recently have had two realizations about our approach to homeschooling.  I'm slowly starting to take ownership of it and finding what works and what doesn't.  I'm glad that I'm using these preschool years to do this trial and error, so that once we start to report for kindergarten, we can hit the ground running.

Here is a list of subject areas that I am currently working with when planning out lessons for our preschool.

1. practical life skills
2. sensorial
3. literacy
4. numeracy
5. nature/science
6. culture/geography
7. health
8. physical education
9. music & music appreciation
10. art & art appreciation
11. languages (ASL, Polish, Spanish)
12. literature & poetry
13. religion (faith, morals, liturgy, prayer)

I come back to the way I utilize lesson plans after first discussing the first big overhaul of our approach to homeschooling, faith.

At last Sunday's homily, our pastor drove home the point that Christ needs to be at the center of our lives, and that religion cannot be merely one of the areas of our life, something I've been guilty of for sure.  The first thing that popped into my mind was that we needed to rethink our homeschooling approach. I pulled out the book on Catholic homeschooling that I got at the Catholic homeschool curriculum fair we attended and started reading.

We always said that we decided to homeschool for various reasons, none of which were religious.  But that doesn't mean that we are stuck with a secular homeschool for life!  One of the things that really struck me so far from the book was relating how children sent to secular schools to learn "real subjects" and only hearing about God's presence in their lives on the periphery come to think that God has nothing to do with what they're learning in school!  Science and History in particular have a way of pretending that God doesn't exist that is detrimental to a person's world view.

As catholic Christians, we believe that God created the universe and everything in it.  There is nothing science can discover that doesn't directly point to the glory of God!  Evolution (a theory, by the way, not fact) can nonetheless point to the fact that God's days are not limited to our 24-hour-periods, and perhaps the creation story is not something that happened thousands (or millions) of years ago, but rather something that is ongoing.  Just like God forms us in our mothers' wombs, but He doesn't stop working on us after birth!  To study science without acknowledging God's hand in it is to betray our Christian world-view.

Likewise with history.  To look at the events of human history without addressing the role of sin, virtue, and the human longing for something greater than itself is to again miss entirely how God is present in our daily circumstances.  Not that He orchestrates what happens, but that He is there with us.  That people turn to Him, and He listens.  That people turn away from Him, and He forgives (though not without meting out justice).  Eliminating God from a history curriculum is pretending that humans don't need God.  Again, this is a total contradiction of our Christian world-view.

Other subjects also can either serve to build up the spirit of a young Chrisitan or not.  What we read penetrates our imaginations.  Are we reading about what is true, good, and beautiful?  Or are we reading merely what has always been taught?  Just because certain works of literature are famous doesn't make them crucial to read.  Likewise for art and music.  I agree that there is an element of cultural competency that needs to be addressed, meaning that a person's education ought to prepare them to at least be aware of the existence of things that have shaped our society in meaningful ways - for better or worse.  After all, we study wars rather than ignoring them because of the violence, death, and evil it portrays.

But if presented without any commentary from the perspective of the catholic Christian parent, the child is left to possibly conclude that anything famous in the secular world is "good", or "true", or "beautiful".  I don't know if I completely agree with the adage, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".  Some things are just plain ugly.  The same applies to what is good and true.  We live in a relativist society.  I am certainly a victim of this mentality.  There is no objective truth, therefore there's no objective goodness. Virtue is whatever best suits me, the individual.

***
I'm returning now to the idea of lesson planning.  I tried unschooling for several months when Antonio was born, and I was amazed how Natalia continued to learn in various areas without my so much as lifting a finger.  Yet after those few months, I decided that we couldn't unschool long term because one of the motivating factors for me to educate my children at home is that I get to teach them!

So I make lesson plans.  I try to make sure certain subject areas are covered.  I attempt to figure out the best schedule to implement.  And over and over I realize that everything always looks perfect on paper, but never works out in real life.  Finally it occurred to me that while I love to plan and organize, I also love to stay with a natural flow of learning, following whatever sparks Natalia's curiosity.  I tried to sit down with her and do X for a set amount of time one time, and it immediately felt artificial and not at all educational!  Perhaps this will change as she gets older.  But for now, for preschool, I'm starting to understand what my homeschooling method really is, and it's not any of the official methods out there.  I've said we're ecclectic before, but I think I fially understand what that means to me.

Ecclectic homeschooling to me means several things.  1) I make plans and goals so I know what to look out for in terms of library materials, outings, etc.  I plan and organize because I enjoy the very process of planning and organizing.  I do not intend to meticulously implement any of my plans, and I expect them to be altered and updated periodically. 2) I observe the natural interests and inclinations of Natalia.  I answer her questions and find resources for subjects she shows an interest in.  I do not interrupt her indpendent play unless absolutely necessary (say, it's time to leave for church).  3) I return to my plans periodically and take note of what has already been learned.  I then can move on to the next set of goals in a given subject as I reimagine the lesson plans.

So there is definitely a strong component of unschooling that remains.  I think the only thing that isn't "pure unschooling" with us is that I do have subjects in mind for Natalia to be exposed to, and certain skills and knowledge that I do intend for her to learn.  Nothing we do is done against her desires, though.  She is loving memorizing various things, so why wouldn't I take advantage of this stage of her development and try to surround her with things I think are good for every person to know by heart?  (Basic geography comes to mind.  She knows her contients and oceans, and we're slowly moving into the concepts of countries.  I'm not sure that she would've become interested in geography if I hadn't brought it up and if I wouldn't continue to bring in resources to build on this interest.)

I like labels, and perhaps that's what this is for me - a labeling of what was all along.  Ecclectic unschooling with a hint of classical?  Because I am drawn to some of the features of the classical approach/Charlotte Mason.  What finally did it for me and forced me to cut my emotional ties with CM is the feeling of guilt over not spending hours outside.  It just isn't for us, not where we live.  I couldn't shake the guilt, so I shook the label instead!

I also think that unit studies may be making an appearance.  As I think about incorporating God into our subjects and not just keeping Him in "religion", I instantly think of making unit studies around the liturgical year.  I see unit studies as supplemental to a core curriculum, though.  I don't want to tie myself to the idea of forcing ever subject into every unit study.  History and science may need to unfold along separate timelines!

I'm probably overthinking the whole preschool homeschooling thing, but it's for a good cause - the whole education of both my kids.  I think Antonio will benefit from this time, as I will hopefully have an idea of what crucial elements to include in his preschool in a couple of years.  I also think Natalia will benefit because by the time we have to officially report her home education in two years, we will have ironed out the details and can hit the ground running without having to second guess ourselves.

Speaking of state reporting, I had to finagle the terminology a little to get from the list of mandatory subjects to the list of our home school subjects above.  The mandatory subjects in our state are as follows:

1. language arts (literacy, literature/poetry)
2. math (numeracy)
3. science (nature/science)
4. social studies (culture/geography/history)
5. health (nutrition, safety, hygiene/disease control, exercise, rest, stress avoidance)
6. physical education (gross motor skills)
7. art (& art appreciation)
8. music (& music appreciation)

Confession time  - the title to this post just occurred to me, so I think I will address the nuances of this "methodology" in a future post.

Bigosia's Transition to the Other Side

UPDATE: Scroll to the bottom.

We got Bigosia from an animal shelter 9 years ago.  She had been returned just the day before by her previous owners, who had her for about 9 months.  Prior to that, she had been a stray puppy.  She was named Bugle because of her beagle howl, which was actually quite scarce.  We named her Bigos, which means "hunter's stew" in Polish, as a play on "beagle".  Bigosia is a diminutive of that.

Bigosia was always laid back and low energy.  Which turned out to be a great fit with us lazy folk, lol.  But after two years, we felt bad that she was home alone all day while Oscar and I worked.  So we got her a brother, Hunter.  He turned out to be high maintenance and a trouble maker from the start, but bless her heart, Bigosia tolerated him for six years, until Hunter went to live with a new family last summer.

When Bigosia first joined our family, we didn't know if we would have kids.  We had just gotten our infertility diagnosis, and over the next two years, all adoption attempts kept falling through.  I romanticized her in my mind.  I didn't dress her up and otherwise treat her like a human child, but nurturing her did satisfy that desire for motherhood to a degree.

A little over three years ago, our daughter was born.  Unfortunately, that was the end of my babying Bigosia.  These last few years have been a matter of putting up with the responsibilities of pet ownership because we made that commitment, but there wasn't much joy in the process.  New parenthood had enough requirements that there just wasn't anything left for the doggies.  Once Hunter left, we realized that we just aren't dog people, and we agreed to never get another pet.  But we didn't expect Bigosia to be on her way out so soon after Hunter.

At first, it was just some slightly elevated calcium in her blood.  We'd watch and retest later, per vet advice.  But then she quit eating her dry dog food, and we assumed it was because she didn't get her teeth cleaned when the bloodwork showed the high calcium.  We thought it was painful to eat, so we started to wet her food, which worked for a while.  Then she stopped liking that.  We tried it with broth instead of water, which worked for a while.  Then she stopped liking that.  So we finally decided to risk getting her teeth cleaned, thinking that it would improve her quality of life and help her eat comfortably again.

But after her teeth cleaning, she quickly deteriorated.  She became progressively more picky in her food selection.  She would go days barely picking at her food.  So we tried some canned food, figuring maybe the wetness and flavor of that would entice her.  It worked for a short while, but then she stopped touching the stuf.  We tried some dehydrated dog food, where you can actually see the real whole foods.  She loved it.  The first and second time.  And then she stopped eating that.

We knew there were several possible causes of the elevated calcium in her blood, but we were not prepared to start an array of diagnostic testing, which could be quite pricey, when we knew that the most likely treatments would be too expensive and invasive to undergo for an aging dog.  We were told that as she got older, she may just be getting picky with her eating, or not want to eat as much.

When she developed a small growth near her nose, we thought we'd take her in to see if it was a tick that burrowed itself in there.  That's when we first realized how little she's been eating.  She had lost a lot of weight.  The growth proved harmless, but the weight loss alerted us to pay closer attention to her.

Over the next week or so, we realized that she would follow the same pattern even with human food.  First, she left untouched a kong full of her favorite - peanut butter.  Then, she'd scoff at rice and beans, eggs (hard boiled, fried, scrambled...), hash browns.  She ate three handfulls of her doggie treats once, and we thought we were on to something, but she wouldn't touch a single one the next day. No matter what we'd offer her, she'd eat it once, and then scoff at it the second time.  She'd be intrested in food - our food - but wouldn't want to eat.  We tried a five day course of an apetite medication, which proved a challenge in itself, as it was a tablet to be taken by mouth, quite a feat for a dog who won't eat.  It made no difference.

Two weeks after the first low weight visit, we were back at the vet's office.  Not only were we running out of food to offer her, and she seemed to be interested only in things she had never had before, but we also noticed that she started breathing fast - all the time.  Her black fur camoflauged the fact that she was now, upon closer examination, quite bony.  In just two weeks, she had lost more weight.

We had a full blood panel done and xrays.  It was as we suspected - there was a large growth over her spleen, pushing her intestines up into her chest. I suspect that she doesn't feel her hunger, but rather feels constantly full and therefore unwilling to take in more food.  She may associate food with pain in her abdomen.  She often sniffs a new offering, goes outside to, presumably, make room for the food.  She also drinks water, seemingly to help her "go #2" and make room for food.  This is all my interpreation, of course.  But the bottom line is that she's not taking in enough calories to maintain her strength for much longer.

Natalka kididi

Antosik kididi

We were referred to a supposedly affordable hospital in the next state for surgery, to remove the growth.  At first, we had set a dollar amount on what we were willing to pay going forward, having just spent $400 on the xray and bloodwork.  But when we were faced with the facts, nothing was clear-cut anymore.  The vet and her assistants were all full of anectdotal stories of dogs with similar issues having a similar procedure and then going on to live anywhere from a year and a half to nine years.  Bigos is now 11.  We figured, all things being normal, she'd be around for another four years or so.

A part of me wants to be done with it.  It seems having the surgery would only postpone the inevitable.  Do we want to deal with this now or in a few years?  Another part of me says it's not fair to end her life because it'd be easier for me.

But today, I sat and petted her and talked to her and cried my eyes out, asking what she wanted.  Of course she was no help in that regard.  But here's what I came up with.

If we do the surgery, the biopsy that would be a part of the surgery could reveal cancer.  In that case, it may or may not return.  If it does, are we going to keep doing surgery?  We already said we wouldn't do chemo on  her.  What kind of quality of life is that for her to keep having diagnostic tests done, to face subseuqent surgeries, or chemo?

Even best case scenario, the surgery goes swimmingly and she's with us for another 4 years.  But is the stress of the surgery and all that goes with it going to be worth it to her?  The hard truth is that we are not pet-people, and we are kidding ourselves if we think we're going to change if given another chance.  I'd love to be able to say that I'd be that perfect pet-parent that Bigosia deserves, and that she'd enjoy frequent walks, lots of belly rubs, tons of daily attention, for several years after surgery.  But the truth is, we have two small children who are our priority, and we just don't have it in us to be those pet-parents.  I'd be lying and fooling myself if I think a second chance would be any different. I want to make up for the six years Bigosia had to put up with Hunter.  But I cannot promise it.

We cannot let her starve to death or wait for the mass, which may be a clot, to burst.  The decision has to be made asap, and the choices are clear: surgery or euthenasia.  I hate being in this position.  I do not like having to make a life-or-death decision for another living being.  And yet, if I want to be honest with myself, how is this different from eating meat?  (This is why I've struggled with the desire to be vegetarian or even vegan.)

What's more, I believe that all of God's creation is eternal in some way.  You know, the whole energy can neither be created nor destroyed bit.  So releasing Bigosia from her physical suffering would also release her from the limitations of our boring home life.  I don't know if she'd come back as another dog, a different creature, or simply be free to roam the universe as a different constellation of star dust, not limited to an earthly existence.  But she would be free.

Trip to vet where we got our bad news.

Bigosia was always such a good dog.

She started shivering for longer intervals.

Surgery at this time would be done 1) to postpone the inevitable, 2) in hopes of the rest of her life being worthwhile for her, and 3) assuming no futher tests or treatment would be necessary.  Based on these three points, I'm leaning away from putting her through surgery.  The financial expense would only be an added source of angst if the surgery wouldn't be the cure-all we hope for.

Option #1: surgery
Best case scenario - both our kids can form more memories of her, experience life with a pet, benefit from her presence as far as allergies and nature study are concerned. When the kids are older, it would be a hard but good lesson in life cycles for them.  But this sounds too much like using Bigosia for our own benefits.  She already fulfilled her purpose, I think, by being there for us when we didn't have kids.

Worse case scenario - we'll be right back to this dilema after surgery, and either keep doling out more money and stressing over the remainder of her time with us, something she'd also pick up on, or make the decision to cut our loses at that point, and regret not having done it sooner.

Option #2: euthenasia
Of course this is so difficult because it's final, and I'll miss her, but the truth is, I miss the ideal of her.  I already miss who I was to her when she was "my kid".  I can't recreate the past for either of us.  Postponing the inevitable is not very productive.

The vet said basically that the decision to euthenize is based on an assesment of the dog's quality of life.  Eathing and drinking, not being in pain, and generally enjoying being a part of the family.  Well, while she did wag her tail when they brought her back to the room after her xray and bloodwork, it is hard to assess how much she enjoys living with us.  She spends her days sleeping, getting up only to drink (used to be to eat, but not anymore) and to go outside.  She never initiates play or seeks us out for affection.  This is part of her personality.  She's always been a loner.  I think this is why she tolerated Hunter so well.  But to say that she "enjoys being a part of the family" is a stretch, I think. Honestly, I think she would be equally happy released to the cosmos.

At first, I was gung-ho about the surgery.  I wanted another chance to give her a few more years of attention that she didn't get these last three years.  I wanted to be able to say that we did what we could.  But the more I think about it, the more I think I'm kidding myself.  I think doing the surgery would placate me, but I don't think it would actually make life better for Bigosia.

It seems strange to choose euthenasia for her right now because she's still drinking water, going outside, and letting us pet her (seeming to enjoy it as well).  But we are not in a position to just let her condition deteriorate on its own.

The idea of making peace with her leaving our family is hard.  I want to take a few pictures of the kids with Bigosia.  All of us together perhaps.  Take her for one last walk.  Brush her fur and clean her ears one more time.  And then?  Decide when to take her in, and who will go with her.

All that remains is to talk with Oscar to see what he thinks after having some time to sleep on it.

UPDATE: It has been almost two weeks since Bigosia's passing.  The first three or four days were particularly difficult for me.  I was bawling all over the place.  I hated coming home to an empty house, even entering the room where she'd hang out.  I checked outside for her.  I listened for her nails scratching at the door or on the kitchen floor.  I listened for her noisy water drinking.  I listened for her tiny half-barks she'd make through her sleep.  I felt her presence, but I couldn't see or hear her.  It was awful.  I had a lot of processing to do.  A lot of emotions to work through, guilt and regret at the forefront.

The day Bigosia passed away.

I'm glad we found out more about the surgery.  We actually had it scheduled for early the next morning when the sky seemed to crumble when Oscar pointed out that the expense was adding up.  It wasn't just surgery, there was aftercare, and various little things, and the hotel stays.  But when it came down to it, I didn't care about the cost.  I wasn't prepared to make this decision over money, and I'm glad that it is not what it came down to.  What it did come down to was the possible complications from surgery or afterwards, the likely continued health issues afterwards due to Bigosia's unique situation, including the likelihood of it having been cancer and infections she'd be more prone to after the removal of her spleen (which would've been a part of the exploratory surgery), and the fact that she's suffered from heart episodes during anesthesia in the past.  In the end, we didn't want to put her through so much physical and emotional trauma just for a chance of a little more time.  After all, she wasn't a young dog, either.

Natalia takes Bigosia for her last walk around PetSmart.

I felt the pressure to get it over with as Bigosia was clearly suffering those last few days.  Even though she perked up at some meat and ate a whole rotissery chicken the two days before her passing, the day of, she hardly had any of the bacon I made for her, or the hotdog.  She didn't touch the treats the vet gave her when it was almost time.  She was so exhausted from living; how could we not release her from her pain?  It seemed like we were choosing not to let her live longer by passing on the surgery, but I have to remind myself that it was exploratory surgery, with zero guarantees and lots of likely complications.  We did what we knew was best for her.

Bigosia had a good life with us.  Nine years as part of our family.  It sucks that I hadn't realized how much she meant to me until it was time to say goodbye, that I didn't thank God for her until after she was gone.  But in the aftermath of her passing, I'm gaining great spiritual insights thanks to her.  She continues to bless me, a "mere animal".  Which brings me to my next point.

Some people  - pet people - welcome a new pet into their homes after the loss.  We agreed we were not going to do that.  Instead, the way I see honoring Bigosia is by a renewed desire and comitment to less and less animal foods.  A plant-based diet is better for our health, the environment, and of course the individual animals in question.  And that's what I can't let go of.  Bigos was one dog.  Look at how much grieving I've done over a single animal.  She was a sentient being with a unique personality.  How can I disregard this fact and carry on eating other animals just because I haven't met them personally?  Just because the meat products have been so thoroughly transformed so as to hide any hint of it having been a part of an animal's body?  How much longer am I going to live in denial that eating meat hurts living beings?  I don't mean just that it kills them.  I mean that modern food industry, in the interest of profit, tortures the animals that are being raised for meat.  There is no use sugar-coating it any further.  Practically speaking, I won't go hungry if there isn't a vegetarian or better-yet vegan alternative in a given situation (like when visiting someone's home), but I really need to do better when it comes to eating out, educating myself about what restaurants have available plant-based dishes that actually satisfy.  The darn ceaser salad can kiss my behind, that is not a meal.  But I digress.

Saying goodbye.

Thank you, Bigosia, for your mere presence and for allowing God to teach me through your life, your death, and your memory.

Last photo of our family of five, right before taking Bigosia to her last appointment.

Preschool Week 5

LANGUAGE ARTS
Natalia is enjoying bringing me or Daddy a few of her favorite books to read together.  We may need to be focusing more on bedtime reading, as she has gone potty independently several times without the usual "come read to me" request.  I've stopped rotating her books on a weekly basis.  Instead, if there's books she hasn't touched, I try to bring them to her attention at the start of week two, and keep reading whatever books are holding her current interest.  I'll play it by ear when we rotate.

MATH
Natalia is enjoying counting things and telling us how many of something there is, even if it's not always accurate.  She has been working on measuring, in particular with feeding the dog.  Yesterday, I noticed that she double checked herself the way I usually do.  After scooping a certain amount of dry food into Bigos's bowl, she poured it back into the measuring cup to see if it was indeed just one and not less or more.  Not sure what would've happened if it weren't the right amount, but it was an interesting development. An interesting development in currency awareness included finding a lucky penny (twice!) on our walks and putting it in her horsey-bank.

just added her lucky penny to her bank

I was interested and pleased to find that she liked perusing the "general store" window at the playground, and we began a simple goods-for-currency exchange game where I ordered something, and then asked how much it was, and pretended to give her that much.  I was pleased to see she alread has a rudimentary idea of currency.

SCIENCE
This week, we lucked out with a couple of days of great weather, so we clocked in some serious-for-us outside time.  This included meals on the deck, one of which led to a rainbow discovery.

 




It also included a trip to the playground when there weren't other kids to compete with, and we talked about some of the workers we saw - a man cutting the grass, a man picking up the trash, the sewage truck emptying the porta-potty.  

 

We also observed a toad, ants, mushrooms, tried to follow a bird, smelled roses, and picked various goodies for her treasure chest in her nature corner.

Can you spot the toad?  It just jumped into the grass.

When she saw Daddy working on the sidewalk, she jumped up and exclaimed that she wants to get her shovel, which she promptly did, and began helping.

 

We observed her plant, in particular noting that when she overwatered it, the excess was stored in the base container but was soaked up by the next day. 

A bit of Reggio Emilia inspiration, nature's treasure chest goodies and a mirror.

Bubbles and sidewalk chalk completed our outdoor activities.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE
Natalia continues to surprise me with new signs she picks up whenever she watches the available Signing Time videos.  She uses certain signs along with the oral word in one of her languages often unprompted.

CRAFTS & SENSORY
I've not organized any artsy-crafty activities this past week.  Still need to get some real-world ideas from my mom.  For sensorial, there was water play, both in the tub and in the kitchen sink.

She also often helps me with meal prep, and this week it included mixing flour and egg to make nalesniki (crepes), something she didn't love as it dirtied her hands!  She likes cracking eggs and handing them to me to empty into the bowl.



Also with sensory experience, I'll have to mention that one of our outdoor times was spent barefoot, her request.



PHYSICAL FITNESS
I'm loving it when she participates with me in my daily yoga practice.  She likes to point out when I'm not following the instructor exactly.  Her favorite poses involve a chair.  We've also started dancing, but she doesn't seem quite as excited about it as I had hoped.  She does dance a little with her "sisters" (four main toys - a dino puppet, a plastic triceratops, a stuffed kitty, and a stuffed reindeer).

About to eat an apple found on a walk (under an apple tree).

SOCIALIZING
We had a vet appointment this week, and she was very interested in the injuries of one particular dog that was there, as well as the three small dogs riding in a stroller.  We also met with my midwife.  In the waiting room, there were other kids, older, playing, but she seemed to not be interested in interacting with them much.  Which, if you consider what I'm rereading right now in "Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers", is nothing to worry about and in fact something to be glad about.

INDEPENDENT PLAY
This is still a work in progress.  Some days are better than others.

HABITS
My biggest challenge right now is getting Natalia to feed herself.  We used the baby-led weaning approach, so her current refusal to feed herself must be a regression in light of becoming a big sister soon.  We have observed her putting her shoes away and some of her toys away, completely unprompted by us, which is wonderful!

"CHARLOTTE MASON PRESCHOOL"
Don't look surprised, but this may not make it onto my permanent list after all.  Yes, we made it outside thanks to weather permitting, but I'm not going to shoot for no 4-6 hours daily.  2 I think is plenty, on most pleasant days.



I'm not sure if tea time is for me, as I'm not a very formal person.  The idea of making something fancy just for the sake of making it fancy, eh.

I'm also having second thoughts about the need to play classical music regularly, or read poetry or the Bible.  There are rhymes in some of the books in her regular book rotation, so I think that is sufficient.  And she hears me reading some of my prayers and a Scripture verse every morning as part of my morning prayer, so she does hear God's word, and it's a bit more contextualized, as she knows I'm talking to Jesus, and when I'm quiet and have my eyes closed, I'm listening to Him.

Natalia has not wanted me to sing much of anything lately.  At night, she insists on stories instead of singing, so there's been no hymns incorporated.  I'm thinking I'll add this to my own regular prayer time, and expose to them that way.

Just like with classical music, I'm having second thoughts about needing to do a proper art study.  I don't know what all the classics are, and is my life really that much less rich because of it?

I still have to talk to my mom about the real-world crafts we can plan.

I'm not much of a game person, so I haven't looked into those yet.

Practically speaking, what I really need to be focusing on right now with Natalia is as follows:
* independent play
* self-feeding
* dealing with apparent start of self-weaning (note I said "dealing with", not necesarily "encouraging" - this warrants its own post sometime soon)
* figuring out some sort of workable sleeping "schedule", to nap or not to nap, and a consistent bedtime/wakeup perhaps? (this is in part related to the self-weaning, so should be covered together)
* preparation for her brother's homebirth
So as you can see, there's no reason to complicate things with premature academics when real-world learning is in order :)

Natalia's Catholic Formation

You may or may not be privy to the information that I struggled a lot with my faith after Natalia's birth.  Postpartum depression and anxiety are no joke, on top of the usual stressors of major lifestyle changes that coincided with her birth: quitting my job, selling our house, and moving out of state and away from any family or friends.  I knew the clock was ticking for me to get my act together.  I wanted to raise Natalia with a strong faith foundation.  I knew there were too many benefits from "being religious" for me to ignore it and figure "she'll believe whatever she wants to believe."  Obviously, I cannot program her brain, so that goes without saying.  As she matures, she will form her own opinions on everything, faith included.  But I would be remiss if I didn't do my due diligence in introducing her to the beautiful, meaningful, rich faith that is Catholicism.  The onus of the responsibility for her faith formation would fall on Oscar, as I kept telling him, because I couldn't teach something I didn't believe.  So I am very happy to report that God has blessed me with a renewed sense of faith, just in the nick of time, I believe, as the below paragraphs will illustrate.

Crossing herself.

We don't talk much about God yet, as this would be hard to explain without resorting to some sort of metaphors appropriate for Natalia's age, and religion already boils over with metaphor.  I'd hate to have to unteach things later.  So I've found myself focusing on the second person of the Trinity - Jesus.  Jesus has a physical body like us.  We have images of Him we can look to, we can discuss what He did and what He taught. We go to Mass to visit Jesus.  Adults and big kids receive Jesus in Holy Communion.  We pray to Jesus (ie. "talk with Jesus") at home.  This is actually pretty good practice for my own faith formation, having struggled with the idea of Jesus-as-God myself.

Our nightly prayer routine has led to amazing progress!  The three of us kneel by the bed each night and say a few classic Catholic prayers.  We do the Sign of the Cross in Polish and Spanish, and then we pray in unison in English: the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be.  When we finish, we say goodnight to Jesus and Mary, followed by besitos (kisses) for Daddy and Mommy (and sometimes baby brother).  Half the time, this meant that Oscar and I kneel in prayer, while Natalia jumps on the bed, or plays with her stuffed animals.  But more and more, she's been taking her "friends" to the edge of the bed with us, holding their hands/paws together in prayer fashion, and presumably teaching them to pray.

Deep in prayer.

 A few days ago, she shocked us by reciting the first half of the Our Father all by herself, before we even joined her!  On Sundays, when it is time for the Lord's Prayer, Oscar always picks her up so she can be on everyone's level, and we hold hands and pray together.  Today, she was very confident and correspondingly loud in her prayer, especially emphasizing the words that we tend to pause on.  We were amazed and proud of our little girl having essentially taught herself.  I will be trying to capture her progress on video this week, as the first video I have is of our starting this tradition about a year ago, when she was around 2.

Another spiritual growth is with morning prayer.  I have begun to read from a couple of praye books in the morning, pause for some quiet reflection, sing a little here and there.  I tell her I'm speaking with Jesus, and when I'm quiet, I'm listening to Him, so she's started to be more respectful of this time, either whispering to me or holding the book I'm not holding at the moment and doing her own praying.  Friday, she visited the confessional with me, and we paid a quick visit to Jesus in the Eucharist at the Adoration Chapel, another opportunity to observe how others quietly sit and listen to Jesus.

Amen!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this already, but a few weeks ago, Natalia also started walking up with us to Communion with her hands across her chest.  We showed her how the other kids who weren't big enough to receive Communion did that, and she was happy to start also.  The first two times, she got a blessing from the person distributing Communion, about which she was just beaming!  Today, she didn't get a blessing, but she didn't seem too upset about it, so that's good.  Ideally we should sit so that we go to Communion to the priest, since I believe there's some conflicting opinions on whether Eucharistic Ministers are "supposed" to give out blessings in the Communion line, so the hope is that if we go to a priest, she will be guaranteed a blessing.  But that would take us far away from the restroom... still, it's something we ought to consider, because as long as we go by the restroom before leaving the house or when we get to church, that shouldn't be an issue.

While we're on the subject of Mass "socialization", we've started giving Natalia cash to put into the collection basket, and now when she sees the basket, she asks for the money if we haven't already given it to her.  I've told her during the week that the money goes to help people, like the blind man in one of her books that is healed by Jesus. Depending on her mood, she'll shake hands with strangers for the Sign of Peace, but we don't force this.  She sees us doing it, so it'll become the norm soon enough.  And I've got to mention how she prefers flipping through the church hymnal and following her finger along lines of lyrics rather than reading her own books that we bring from home.  She also dips her finger in the holy water font and blesses herself - not exactly by making the Sign of the Cross, but more along the lines of Rafiki blessing baby Simba in The Lion King.  Still.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, we arrived early for Mass, and Natalia asked where Jesus was.  I started to tell her, but soon she said "there he is" pointing to our pastor!  I told our pastor after Mass that Natalia thinks he's Jesus, which gave him a little chuckle and he said that the separation would come.  I'm thinking if she sees different priests, different churches, Mass will become something they all have in common, not something that is tied to a specific person or place.  (As a quick aside, I am wondering now if religious ed is something I'm going to want to involve the church in, or keep it under the homeschooling umbrella.  I have a year to think about it before she becomes eligible for the church Pre-K program.)

Preschool Week 4

This week was a lot less structured, if you can call the first three weeks structured to begin with. Trying to scale back on the premature formal academics and instead focus on habit formation, in particular independent play.

LANGUAGE ARTS

No formal sit-down reading times planned.  Going through her book rack before swapping books and asking what she likes and doesn't like.  If there's a book she says she likes and I know she's looked at it multiple times that week, I'm keeping it in the rack for another week.  If she doesn't like the book, and I don't particularly like the book, we are not going to be keeping it.  So far, we haven't agreed much on this, so either I could stand to get rid of the book but she says she likes it, or she says "eh" but I really like it and think she'll come back around to it (or her brother will like it).

Also, adding longer, paperback books to her potty bin has been very helpful, as we read these books the most frequently.  Even though they're not displayed in any sort of fancy way, she still seems to remember after the first day of rotation what's in there and sometimes asks for a book that's from a different week's rotation.

One newish thing we've been trying to do is add reading as part of bedtime, so when she may not want to go to bed just yet, but we want her to be winding down, so we "allow" her to pick a book or two or three to bring to one of us to read to her. ( One day, after I initially said she could pick one book, once she had it in her hand, I said she could pick two, so she picked an additional one, totalling two books.  Sneaky little math "lesson", eh?) This is turning out to be another great way to work read alouds into the day, and it shows which books she's really enjoying.

MATH

Ok, so since abandoning "formal" math "teaching", I think Natalia is teaching herself.  When asked how many apples were left on the table for the next day, she went and counted "one, two, three" and reported back that there were three!  Another day, she did the same with the accurate number (I think it was 2) again.  So since this teaching-herself business seems to be working, we're going to stick with it.  (I should note that leaving a tray of fruit that she can easily get to by herself is what encouraged this sudden urge to count, as well as increasing the whole family's fruit intake, as she practices sharing when helping herself, usually to an apple.)

That said, even though I decided not to count "rote counting" as a necessary skill anymore, she has nonetheless reached it anyhow.  When asked to count, she counts in the "correct order" 1-10.  In English.  When prompted in Spanish, she counts in Spanish.  When prompted in Polish, she counts in Polish.

I've started pointing out groupings in books and the like by saying how many of something there is without first counting them one by one.  The idea is that she associate the number to the real world objects and doesn't think any given number is a "name" for an individual item.

Very cool color and light experience.

I've been reading up on the Reggio Emilia approach to learning, and one of the things that appeals to me is the focus on light and color and shadows (hence my excitement over the shadows during our late night walk - see the science section below).  We also found a neat lesson in observing the color shadows of her shape decals. She was intrigued by the fact that, according to the decal shadows, there were two ovals, but she knows we only have one oval, and one circle.  She got up and went to the window to point out this fact!

SCIENCE

Natalia's nature corner gains her attention nearly every day.  She gets her treasure box and looks through its content, sometimes with a magnifying glass, sometimes not.  I'm trying to encourage her to use her bamboo placemat to keep things more organized.  She also reminded me one day when I had forgotten and it was already lunchtime that we need to bring her plant out into the sun for the day.

One night we went walking, the three of us, once it was dark outside, to avoid the nasty heat.  With the assistance of a flashlight, we were able to get up close and personal to some flowers, trees, bushes, but also to have some fun learning with shadows.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how to capture shadows on photo.  But she got a kick out of the giant Natalia with her braided pigtails walking ahead of her on the sidewalk and on fences!  When we returned to the house, right before we went in, she found a slug in the grass thanks to her flashlight pointing.  We spent another 10-15 minutes observing the snail, picking it up, watching it stay still and then start slithering on my hand.  In the end, she finally braved it and touched the snail herself.

A great end to a late evening walk.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Even though she hasn't been watching Signing Time daily (it's not "on the schedule" - I play it for her whenever she asks for it, since we don't have all the episodes purchased and are limited to what's available online), she nonetheless is using the new signs she picks up throughout the day.  This morning, when Oscar came in to cuddle, upon waking she signed to Daddy in response to something he asked, even before saying anything.  Of course now it escapes both of us what that sign was!

CRAFTS & SENSORY

So this was one of the few things "on the schedule" for the week.  The artsy idea was a flop.  We did crayon rubbings of various textures, but it was mostly me showing her what crayon rubbings were, and then she was ready to move on to something else.  So she didn't care for the crayon rubbings or the textured pieces in themselves either.  I left the whole set up on her little table for hours, but she never went back to it.

The flop - crayon rubbings and textured material.

I also gave her a little box of various beads and pompoms, with the idea of this being a sensory experience, but she quickly realized the beads had holes in them, and wanted to make a necklace. (She's played with these same beads many times before, but this was the first time she took note of the holes!)  I gave her a few small pipe cleaners and helped her thread a couple on, and she was able to work on this without assistance for a good 10 minutes.  We made a necklace and a bracelet for one of her toys. She also remembered that there were a few other beads on a necklace elsewhere in her room, so she went to get it and asked me to untie the ends so that we could add those beads to her box.  I'm going to need to get better pipe cleaners for her to work on this, as the ones I have are Christmasy, and as such sparkly and a bit messy, plus not very soft.

The success: we will be adding more threading activities!

Also under sensory activities, we have to include water play. This week, this was limited to bath time, during which time she did some "swimming" practice (laying in the water and blowing bubbles into the water), but also squirting with some bath animals, washing her plastic dinosaur, and sticking foam letters onto the side of the tub.  When putting them away, she's shown she recognizes a new letter -"W", and counts the items as she takes them out - language arts and math without ever being on the schedule!

Natalia has also started to show a bit more interest in her easel, especially since I rearranged her playroom a bit and it has been left out, right by the door to the room.  (It was previously inside the closet next to her doll house.)  Almost daily, I see that she has stopped to draw or write something on the blackboard.  I'm careful not to guess what it is, and instead, ask her.  I'm getting some pretty creative responses.

This is a picture of "ongos" (mushrooms) that we had observed in the yard earlier that day.

PHYSICAL FITNESS

This is really a section for me to stay accountable rather than her.  At her age, it takes effort NOT to be running around burning off calories all day long!  But since I've become intentional about fitting prenatal yoga into our daily routine, Natalia has started joining me in some of the poses.  I follow a YouTube video, and sometimes she compares what I'm doing to what the instructor is doing and corrects me!  At times, I can hear her taking in slow, deep breaths.  Other times, she just plays in the vicinity and waits for my practice to be over.

 

One time, when I was using a yoga ball, she came up behind me and placed her hand on my back, saying "relax, peace, good" - cues that she's learned from participating in a HypnoBabies script Oscar was reading to me, in preparation for birth.  (Perhaps not exactly "physical fitness" in the traditional sense of the word, but certainly in the realm of health :) )

Ready to read my HypnoBabies script with daddy.

SOCIALIZATION

She had two Skype sessions this week, one with my mom and another with my grandmother and aunt.  This also reinforced her Polish. In addition, we went to a restaurant for dinner one night, to church, and we had some friends over the house yesterday.  Even though the adults mostly spoke among themselves, she was able to introduce her "friends" (toys) to our guests, and charmed one of them into playing especially well with her. There was a little girl, about 10 months old, also here, so they enjoyed the air coming out of the A/C vent together.  She had also planned on scaring one of our guests with the assistance of her dinosaur, because I had mentioned to her that this friend enjoys being scared (which she said she does).  So she looked forward to the get-together and got a real kick out of yelling "boo" as if the dinosaur was saying it.  She practiced greeting our guests and saying goodbye to them and taking turns at the table and in conversation.

When everyone left, I was able to reflect on the importance of Natalia referring to these adults as HER friends.  And why not?  Why would she be limited to only friends her own age?  We don't impose such restrictions on adults!  So I'm feeling very good now about our approach to socializing, without contrived same-age groupings that honestly, I think do more harm than good if not kept in check.

INDEPENDENT PLAY

This week, I removed all ideas of scheduled activities and focuses on encouraging independent play.  I am happy to report that this "deschooling" of myself has already started to bear fruit.  Here's what we're doing.  First of all, I don't carry my phone with me everywhere I go, which would encourage constant checking and Natalia would just see me looking at a screen and be reminded of her own screen time.  Second, if she was playing on her own and no one was in danger, I LEFT HER ALONE!  I didn't join in.  I didn't make suggestions.  I didn't comment.  I also didn't call her away from her play for meals or to start bed time.  It seems that she plays independently the best towards the evening, but luckily I do not need to be at work in the morning, so we are flexible on when she goes to sleep.

Also, when she did want my participation in her play, I would humor her, but only minimally.  I'd do my best to try to turn questions on their heads instead of giving her solutions.  I literally found myself sitting on my hands and biting my lip to let her play how she wanted.  At times, I had to go start an activity with her to gain her interest, and then I'd quietly withdraw.  Once she was enthralled in her play for a while without coming to me for anything, I'd leave the room for a bit.  If gone too long, she'd come looking for me, and I found that I couldn't get on the computer in the next room just yet.  So I started to just sit in her room and read a book silently to myself.  Or even across the hall in the bathroom with the door open!

On one occasion, she played like this on her own for a good hour!  Another time it was around 45 minutes, and several sessions of 20 minutes or so.  The biggest hurdle was myself.  I'm so used to being hands-on when it comes to playtime, that it was difficult for me to just observe quietly.  But I'm seeing the benefits, and the goal is for her to consistently entertain herself for at least a half hour at a time with me in another room.  It seems that if I'm up and doing something - cleaning, for instance - she doesn't look for me.  But the moment I sit down to the computer, she somehow senses that I'm "not doing anything" and stops playing independently.

HABITS

Aside from socializing and independent play, I've been trying to bring Montessori-inspired activities into our everyday lives, instead of concockting artificial experiences that are more appropriate for a preschool setting than home.  Instead of giving her a tray with cutting as a skill to practice, I let her cut up all the mushrooms for our lunch one day.  She followed that up with wanting to cut up some banana for her cereal on another day.  I give her a plastic knife and leave her to her work.

 

Another daily new thing is letting her pour her own drink - usually water - at the table.  I give her a small pitcher with what she's drinking, and let her fill it, drink, refill as needed.  The first day, I only gave her enough to fill her cup half way.  But the second day, I got brave and gave her more water than could fit in the cup, trusting that if she was paying enough attention to what she was doing, she'd know to stop pouring before it was too late.  And she did!  One time she literally caught herself with the water already bulging above her cup, looking to me for guidance on what to do next.  I showed her how to slurp the excess off the top (!), and she hasn't overfilled her cup again.

Along the same lines, instead of giving her a scooping activity, which I've tried multiple times with very limited success with various materials (dry beans, dry pasta, rice, cornmeal), Natalia is in charge of feeding our dog, Bigos.  She is still working on staying consistent with the correct amount to scoop, so this is a supervised activity.  She can open the door to where the dog food is kept, she can open the bag of dog food, and she can scoop the food into the bowl, as we keep both measuring cup and bowl next to the food.  However, we have to keep the dog away long enough for Natalia to prepare the meal, and then we have to open the gate for her to place the bowl where it goes.  In the picture below, we were still mixing Bigos's old and new food, so we had a separate container.

 


She also has started to ask to floss - her own teeth and mine!  She saw this in a Signing Time video.

CHARLOTTE MASON PRESCHOOL

This is the newest take I want to introduce into our preschool, very laid back, which I discuss in my previous post here. Since I haven't had a chance to implement any of these ideas, them being brand new to me and all, there's nothing to say about it yet.  But in future weeks, I will have a section on our progress in this area.