Am I Christian?

The first problem is with labeling.  What makes a Christian?  There are definitely disagreements among self-proclaimed Christians about what makes a Christian.  Many fundamentalist evangelical protestants don't consider their ancestors in faith - Catholics and Orthodox, to be Christian.  Rather, they are blinded by the rituals and see pagan practices instead of an embodiment of a Christian lifestyle.  Protestants and Catholics and Orthodox all often disagree that Mormons or Jehova's Witnesses are Christians, while the latter do consider themselves as such.

Given this is what I have to work with, the only thing I can think of is that a Christian is someone for whose spiritual life the person of Jesus figures prominently, more so than any other.  Therefore, Bahai, Muslims, and Unitarian Universalists aren't Christian even though they all have a place for Jesus in their world-view because that place is not one of centrality and prominence.  

And here's my own dilemma.  I have gotten too wrapped up in the externals too frequently to really know if it's the person of Jesus or the traditions that happen to be associated with Jesus are what tickles my spiritual fancy.

I can't say with all honesty that I am somehow convicted that I must follow Jesus as He is portrayed in the Gospels.  I believe it is one valid way to lead a meaningful life, and I often wish that were enough for me, but I guess I just get wrapped up in the externals and lose sight of Jesus altogether.

Protestantism is out for me, as there isn't much of anything to get wrapped up in - you either have a relationship with Jesus or you don't.  By that standard, I don't.  

But just because I could live out the appearances of a decent Christian in the Catholic or Orthodox context doesn't make me any more of a Christian.  I still don't have a relationship with Jesus.  It's just easier to hide bc there's things that I can be doing that sort of distract me from that non-existent relationship.

Orthodox and Catholics would say that these practices are tools, ways for me to draw closer to God and thereby form and strengthen that relationship with God.  And I believe that, but it just doesn't seem to work for me.

I've had times in my life where I felt God's presence, but rarely was it specifically Jesus.  Except in Eucharistic Adoration, but that's because it's made pretty clear what we're looking at - the Eucharistic body of Jesus.  But then I consider the Orthodox understanding of the Real Presence and I have to agree - but, but.... you're supposed to *eat* it, not stare at it as it's held hostage in an ornate golden box!

So why not just sample here and there, as I've been doing?  Why do I keep feeling the need to identify myself with one group officially?  I want to belong.  But I don't want to do what it takes to belong, namely: conform.  I can fake it, sure.  But my integrity is important to me.  I was born into Catholicism.  I am no more a hypocrite here than any other Catholic struggling with their faith in some aspect.  I have a birthright to Catholicism.  That gives me some solace, knowing that God will meet me where I am.

But Orthodoxy would need to be a choice I make.  A conscious, intentional choice made as an adult, fully aware of what it is I am signing up for.  And I'll either need to actually believe it, or pretend to believe it.  I do not actually believe it, and I cannot fake it.  

And so I suffer alone and in silence.