Why Do You Do That? (Staying home with Baby)

I want to preface this post by saying that I am grateful for the ability to stay home with Natalia, though  I realize that this is not an option for all families.  Having said that, I want to share why I did make this choice – why Oscar and I together made this choice – and why I’m loving it.

Practically speaking, my job before having Natalia was such that, if we were to pay the average childcare costs while I kept that job, I’d essentially be going to work solely for the purpose of paying for childcare.  We would not have been any better off financially had I returned to work after Natalia was born.

But the bottom line for me was that after waiting 10 years to have a baby, I cannot imagine turning around and delegating her care to someone else.  Since we are blessed with Oscar’s job, which allows us to live off one income, the decision for me to stay home with Natalia was a no-brainer. 

I wanted to be a mom so that I could be a mom – daily, all day, all the time.  I enjoy being a mom and raising our daughter.  If I didn’t think I’d want to do it full time, I wouldn’t have worried about going through all we went through in order to finally welcome Natalia. 

 

Taking a nap together.

Furthermore, since we intend to homeschool Natalia, I am looking forward to spending my days with her for years to come, not just “until she is sent off to Kindergarten”.  By the time she is a high school graduate and ready to be on her own, and therefore my job as homeschooling mom is over, I will be at an age approaching retirement.  (At least, an age I consider to be appropriate for retirement, since the political powers that be keep inching that cut off age higher and higher, until our elderly are compelled to keep working way past the age where they should be reaping the benefits of a career.) 

That’s not to say that I won’t go back to working outside the home for pay at some point in the future, but I no longer have “career aspirations” like I did when in college.  I’m getting my life’s fulfillment from raising and educating the next generation, and supporting Oscar in his career aspirations.  This is incredibly freeing, as it allows me to focus on pursuits that are not tied to a “9 to 5” or the “rat race”.  When Natalia gets a little older, I hope to start volunteering some of my time for some worthwhile cause.

I wasn’t always intent on being a stay-at-home mom.  I especially didn’t understand why a woman would want to be home once her children were at school, or old enough to be spending more time with their peers than at home.  It only takes so many hours to clean, grocery shop, meal plan and cook. It’s not a full-time job.  And if it is, then perhaps the family ought to consider downsizing and simplifying their life!  But to each their own.

 

Morning playtime in her play yard, while I get some chores done.

As for what I love specifically about being home with Natalia...  Since we get up multiple times at night to nurse, I love that I have nowhere to be in the morning and can sleep in as long as she lets me, or that we can take a nap together. I love that we can nurse whenever she wants without worrying about flashing perfect strangers.  For that matter, I love not having to pump anymore, as I would need to during work hours in order to maintain my supply and provide enough breastmilk for her. I love that I can get most things done around the house, either with her in a carrier, playing in her play yard, or during her naps.  This way, in the evenings, we can enjoy being a family together, and after she goes to sleep, Oscar and I can have a bit of time to ourselves without trying to get the chores done.  The same applies to weekends – they are ours for the enjoyment of each other’s company, not for catching up on chores.

 

"Am I laundry?" Natalka in the hamper, watching me load the washer.

If we lived closer to family, I’d be able to visit with them often, during the day.  Unfortunately, we are sort of isolated here, not even near friends.  Hopefully this will change at some point, or we will be able to make more frequent trips across state lines for overnight visits.  This is something we wouldn’t even be able to consider if Oscar and I were both working Monday-Friday.

And to top it all off, I do not have to dread the day when I drop off my little girl at school, handing over responsibility for her education and character formation to complete strangers, because we intend to homeschool!  This makes staying home with Natalia now even sweeter, as I see our time together something to be enjoyed for years to come, and not something that will be over in a few short years.

We just finished hanging laundry out to dry.

Oscar and I joke when new people ask what I do for a living.  We say that I am retired.  And why not?  The mainstream definition of the term means “having left one’s job and ceased to work” – is this not true?  But there is an archaic definition that fits as well: “quiet and secluded, not seen or frequented by many people”.  This fits me also, as I thrive on silence and alone time.  (If you know me well, you know I enjoy going on silent retreats where I can recharge and gain perspective on my life.) 

I am retired from the work of teaching adults, teaching ESL.  Instead, I have embarked on an even more fulfilling teaching position – that of parent.  My home and the world at large are now my classrooms.  My daughter, my only pupil.  The curriculum is eclectic, and there are no tests, save for the fact if my daughter grows up trusting and respecting me, if she grows up to be a conscientious and independent individual, if she is healthy and safe and kind and joyful, then we pass with flying colors!

Staying home with Natalia solidifies for me our relationship.  I cannot imagine having it any other way.

Happy baby, happy mama!

Natalia's June (6 months old)

First Father's Day

Daddy kisses, coffee in new picture mug!

 Watching one of the World Cup qualifying soccer games on Father's Day.

Natalia passes her 6 month check up with flying colors, as usual.

 Raising a "green" baby can start at the annual Green Festival!

Photos, fine.  Flash, not so much!

On my new toy floor from Babcia!

All of Natalia's toys from her first 6 months!

 Bath toys:

rubber duckie and dolphin, baby toothbrush, bath book, washcloth (tag!), and Senora Octopus.

 Car toys, Left to Right, Top to Bottom:

Mona, Monkey Boy, binky; Gorilla Man, Pooh Bear, bib (velcro!); keys, grab balls; Mariposa, Giffy Jr.

 Lounge Toys, Left to Right:

Smok, Sheep/lamb family (top makes baaa sounds, middle is a baby and momma in a velcro hug, and bottom is a big fluffy lamb), funky grab balls, Senor Alligator, Senor Pinguino

Loud yoga

First time in a high chair

Picnic at Babcia's

 Easing into the swimming pool experience:

Balcony mini-pool

Lounging by the community pool.

Testing the waters.

First time in the big pool!

Big smile by Natalia's wall of fame.

Getting her bobby juice any way possible.

And for the two biggest milestones of the month...........

Natalia is pulling herself up to standing, and even cruises a little bit by her play yard!

Standing up all by herself!

Natalia has discovered her reflection, though it's unclear who she thinks is looking back at her. (Pay special attention starting at second 35!)

And everyone can quit asking.... her first tooth is officially out!

She won't stay still enough to get a clear shot, but you can see the tiny pearly white on her lower left.

Healthy Attachment vs. Helicopter Parenting

It’s a funny thing, attachment.  I’ve been dealing with this concept from two very different angles lately, and they are pulling me into different directions.

From a philosophical perspective, attachment is bad and ought to be avoided.  We’re talking here of attachment to labels, to the past, to the future, to desires.  These are the common robbers of true joy and peace in the present moment.  But this blog isn’t about my spiritual journey or philosophical musings.

From a parenting perspective, attachment is good and desirable.  My goal as a mother is to form a healthy attachment with my daughter.  Doing so will enable her to learn to trust and give her the confidence to develop true independence in a developmentally appropriate timeframe. 

When a child is a baby, she needs her parents (and mother in particular) the most.  In most cases, the child depends on her mother’s womb and later breastmilk for mere survival.  That’s pretty dependent, and it’s the way nature intended it.  Even if a baby is not breastfed, or was adopted at birth, she still depends on her parents for all of her nutrition, her safety, her comfort, opportunities to learn about the world around her.  So no matter how you look at it, a baby is needy, and that’s normal and healthy and good.

As a baby enters toddlerhood, although still very much dependent on her parents, she now begins to want to explore the world on her own, learning that what she does has an effect on her surroundings.  Slowly, the mother begins the long and difficult journey towards her child’s independence.

Even though Natalia is only starting solid foods and we still have at the very least another 6 months of breastfeeding ahead of us, it has already tugged at my heartstrings that at some point in the future, she will wean off the breast, and I will miss the closeness that her dependence on me has had.  On one hand, it’s a sign of healthy attachment between us.  On the other hand, it’s a reminder that the most difficult thing about being a mother will be to let my little girl grow up.

I know it’s too soon to worry about an empty nest, but in reality, once baby starts to wean, mother really should try to remember that her child’s best interest will necessitate letting go, little by little, over the years to come.

There’s a buzzword in parenting circles that deals with a certain parenting style – helicopter parenting.  This refers to the mother (let’s be honest, it’s generally the mother) who cannot accept her child’s growing independence, and sees herself as unequivocally essential to her child’s well-being.  The helicopter parent sees her role as trying to prevent all negative experiences from crossing paths with her child, in the process handicapping the child’s ability to deal with the inevitable struggles of life.  The helicopter mother encourages the child’s dependence on herself for far too long, doing for the child what the child ought to be learning to do for oneself.  Taken to an extreme, a helicopter parent never allows the child to grow up, continuing to do laundry and pay bills (for instance) for their college-aged son or daughter.

Most people agree that this extreme is unhealthy, yet few realize that the road to this scenario is slippery and begins early on.  There is nothing magical that happens on a person’s 18^th birthday that suddenly changes a child into an adult, a dependent creature into an independent grown-up.  It is extremely unfair to the child to coddle her, protect her from all perceived worldly negativity, do for her what she should do for herself, and then ta-da!  “Happy birthday!  Move out, you’re on your own”.  I suspect this happens more than we would think.

And so I have to keep my ultimate goal as a mother in mind.  Right now, Natalia is a little baby who authentically needs me to introduce her to the world.  I will not push her into independence before she is developmentally ready.  This means I don’t let her “cry it out” in a misguided effort for her to figure things out on her own.  She’s too little for that.  It means I recognize her need for physical closeness with me, and I accommodate this need to the best of my ability.

At any rate, I know that my job is to raise a competent, healthy, kind, happy adult.  My job is not to build padded walls around my daughter’s experiences as if I can protect her from the difficulties of life forever; I cannot.  Therefore, I must prepare her instead.  In a word, my job is to make my job obsolete.  If as an adult, Natalia doesn’t need me to do things for her, then I have done my job.

But I do take comfort in knowing that my job as a mother to an adult daughter will not disappear altogether; it will simply metamorph into a role of mentor.  I hope that the years I am putting in now to establish myself as a trustworthy confidant will allow me to be an ideal sounding board for her whenever she needs to run an idea by me, whenever she needs a second opinion without judgment.  No, I don’t want to be her best friend.  That is a role best reserved for a peer.  But I do want our relationship as mother-daughter to flourish with time, and not to stagnate because I become too attached to the idea of being needed by her.

In a way, the parenting attachment brings us full-circle to the philosophical attachment.  If done mindfully, raising a child inevitably makes a parent aware that nothing stays the same, and that the only moment worth living for is the one we’re in right now.  My daughter will never be 6 months old again.  Once she weans off breastmilk, we will never breastfeed again. Though hopefully she will never outgrow cuddles, even if they will need to be done in private and away from her peers.   

So for now, I hold her, nurse her, carry her, shower her with affection, give her my time and attention.  Soon enough, she won’t need it, and I don’t want to look back and say that I didn’t get everything I could have possibly gotten out of these precious early months because I was too busy trying to “teach her independence”.  Alas, her independence will come, but her needing her mommy won’t stay forever.  I will embrace it while I have it.

Natalia's May (5 months old)

Mother's Day(s)

My first mother's day gifts.

With Abuela

With Babcia & Dziadek

With the parentals.

Meeting Albert Einstein at a homeschooling expo.

Mommy and me selfie.

Reading with Daddy on the balcony.

Giving Daddy kisses.

Natalka wanted to know what an iPad was.

Visiting my old work, NOVA.

Outside mommy's old room window.

Everyone wants a cuddle!

"Kup mi mamus butki, kup!"

"A kukuk"

Bailando con tia Yoli.

Cousins!

A couple of different hair looks:

Still too soon for pigtails.

Check out my post-bath curls.

Around the house:

D'oh!

Reaching the mobile; our cue to put the swing away!

"Our Father, Who art in heaven..."

naptime

New hangout on living room sofa.

Where is my steering wheel?

Hanging around Babcia's place.

Naptime outside in her stroller, at Babcia's.

Newest discovery: Feet!

Happy Half-Birthday!

Flash gets in my eyes!

Got my own toothbrush for my half-birthday! (Nope, no teeth yet!)

And finally...
I know this isn't a photo of Natalka,
but it's a photo of our first little girl, Bigosia,
and I couldn't resist.....

 

"Why should Natalka be the only one to ride in a stroller?!"