Natalka's Preschool April

Still in unschooling mode, though not for long.  Plans are in the works for a more intentional, guided early education, focusing on a holistic approach without premature academics.

Antonio's placenta going into the kids' palm.

 
Natalia's and Antonio's placentas are both buried in this little palm, as a reminder of how they nourished them and now help nourish the palm.

Gardening has begun! We are giving it a go!

planting green onion cutlings

 

Learning about grey water use.  Antonio's bath water being used to water our pine trees. Water conservation, baby!

 
 



Recently found out Natalka has a Sanguine temperament, which includes a need to be around other people.  Very social, I could've told you that.  Her favorite activity seems to be walking hand in hand with her friends!

 

Preparing for Easter with egg coloring and card making....

 
 
.... as well as helping with the traditional Polish Easter food basket, brought to church to be blessed.

 

Speaking of being blessed, here's our little Saint in the Making singing to Jesus in the Adoration Chapel and playing with her Resurrection cut-outs.

 

Spotted a bird on our nature walk

loves picking wildflowers

who doesn't love the sandbox

been asking for a bike...

touch screen art at the library

helping in the kitchen by cutting up mushrooms

private moment with Babcia via Skype

holding baby alligator at a homeschooling fair

learning to share with her baby brother

A Response to Other Moms

In light of some recent (and not so recent) parenting opinions I've heard, both directed at me and not necessarily, I felt the need to respond.

The helicopter moms would have me shelter my children from any and all difficult subjects and situations.  I say my job as their mother is to prepare my kids for life.  I have to equip them with the skills and tools they need to deal with the inevitible negatives of life.  The worst thing I can do is pretend life is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and then 18 years later send them into the real world and cross my fingers that they don't encounter the big bad wolf.  Doing so would be doing them no favors.  I have to maintain a long-term perspective.

The status-quo moms would have me fall in line with all the various mainstream parenting philosophies and practices, if only so as not to stand out too much.  I say my job is to raise individuals, not robots.  We have our own family values and culture that I intend to pass on to my kids, and while not every decision we make will be understood by outsiders, it will never be a decision made lightly. At the forefront of these decisions is the lifestyle choice of homeschooling.  Believe me, I know what the alternatives are.

The secular moms would have me avoid "indoctrinating" my children so that they can choose their own belief system when they grow up.  I say, indoctrination will happen no matter what: society is in the business of indoctrination, primarily - though not exclusively - through the media.  I actually believe that my faith is something worth living and passing on to my kids.  I cannot control what they do or believe as adults, but I can certainly provide a foundation to build on.

The feminist moms would have me delegate childcare to someone else and go back to work, for fear of what I'm teaching my kids about the role of women by staying home with them.  I say I'm a career mom.  I take my role as mother seriously.  Many employees/business people attend conferences, read professional journals, take continuing education classes, network with colleagues, and try to stay relevant in their career field.  Guess what?  SO DO I!  Many moms I know do not bother to educate themselves on anything parenting-related.  They merely regurgitate what they see their peers doing, and question nothing.  I am working, thank you very much.  The fact that my work is devalued by society is quite another story altogether, one that any self-respecting feminist ought to seriously ponder.  Saint John Paul II said, "as the family goes, so goes the nation".  Just sayin.

Remember, when we criticize someone else, there's usually an element of ourselves in there that is making us uneasy and needing to compare and judge.

Sending Kids to Daycare and Preschool

I assumed that, as a stay-at-home mom and future homeschool educator, I wouldn't have to deal with the decision of sending my kids to daycare and then preschool.  But one by one, more and more playdate moms have started revealing to me that they're sending their kids to some sort of organized school-ish environment, if even for a few hours each week.  My first shock was when other stay-at-home moms started doing it.  My second shock came when a future homeschooling mom likewise revealed that her elder child will be starting preschool in September.  Note that "shock" does not mean "disapproval".  It just wasn't on my radar.  I assumed that only working-for-pay moms sent their kids to daycare or preschool, out of necessity.

But I would be lying if I said the thought of sending my own daughter somewhere outside the home for "enrichment" never crossed my mind.  In fact, it has recently crossed my mind as I lamented having to stop any serious preschool homeschooling with the birth of Antonio.  During my pregnancy, I really enjoyed not only sharing various educational lessons with Natalia, but also documenting them and being able to see how she's learning.  Then I gave myself a couple of months after baby brother's birth for unschooling, and again I was pleased when I went to document these months to see how Natalia was learning without any advanced thought given by me to planning out what she should learn.

However, having a baby in the home who loves attention and physical proximity but doesn't care much for baby carriers has proven to be quite challenging.  At best, we have been able to take full advantage of our local library, both in terms of exploring lots of books, especially on nature, but also classic children's literature and even Spanish, as well as the occasional storytime where Natalia interacts with the librarian and other children.  And while this is all fine and good for the time being, I am not satisfied with this arrangement long-term.  And so when one mom after another started sharing with me where they are sending their kids, suddenly the idea arrived on my radar.

I immediately thought of Montessori preschool.  I knew that if I ever sent my kids to preschool, I'd want it to be Montessori.  I love the environment and philosophy behind Montessori.  We've incorporated various Montessori-inspired activities into our daily living over time.  I also like that the children are not segragated by age but that they are in a three-year age group, where younger children can learn from older ones, and the older kids can practice leadership skills while helping the younger ones.  But one internet search put the idea of Montessori preschool idea to rest.  Tuition.

A couple of moms have been praising the co-op preschool they've selected for their kids, and while I like the idea of spending most of the time outside, focusing on social interactions rather than premature academics, and the fact that it's a tiny fraction of what a Montessori preschool costs, I hesitate.

First of all, I would have liked to have been able to send Natalia somewhere right now, over the next few months, until Antonio becomes less clingy and I am freed up enough to take over homeschooling again.  But it seems that unless I were satisfied with a daycare, all preschools start and end along with the public school year, and there's a comitment generally for the school year.

But there's more.  I also do not like the idea of surrounding Natalia with other kids who, like her, have yet to learn proper social interaction skills, and let them influence each other for better or for worse.  One-on-one is one thing.  But in a classroom setting... and without my presence, it comes down to this: who knows what she'd actually be learning from her peers!  Name brands?  Disney characters?  Attitudes towards toys, food, clothes, hair, the list is really endless.  The whole point of me staying home, first of all, and then homeschooling is to maintain control over what my children are and aren't exposed to. (I use the word control here not in a Type-A personality way, but in the it's-my-responsibility-and-perogative-as-parent way.).  The point is for me to not delegate the task of raising them to others, whose values I may not share.

In addition, giving Natalia a regularly recurring time away from home would also limit her exposure to one of our minority family languages. (I say one of them, thinking here of Polish, because her Spanish exposure is mostly tied to when Oscar is home, which wouldn't change if she were to attend preschool.)  Especially during the first 5 or so years, language exposure is critical if we want fluency for our kids.  There is no need for us to worry about English for our kids, because we live in an English-as-majority-language community.  But if we want to safeguard our minority languages, we need to seek out more opportunities in Polish and Spanish, not less.

I understand why public (or even private) school-bound kids' parents may want to give their kids "a head start" by enrolling them in preschool.  Expectations for school kids has risen to unrealistic levels, so that arriving in Kindergarten on the first day of school, kids today are already expected to know the alphabet.  I disagree with such premature academics.  I didn't start to learn to read until I was 6 or 7, and I dare to say that my reading and writing skills are much better than most public school graduates, not to mention that I'm literate in three languages.  I don't say this to brag, but to prove a point - so-called "delayed academics" works, and it works better than premature academics.

But other than academics, school-bound kids also have to prepare for the social aspects of school.  For better or for worse, kids these days don't just go to school to learn (in fact, I doubt that's actually the reason for many anyway), but to make friends, try to fit in, learn what the mainstream says about what's normal and appropriate, and essentially lose themselves to group-think in many cases.  Bottom line, kids headed for school do need to be prepared for what that environment is like.  Standing in line, raising your hand before speaking, asking permission to go to the bathroom, taking turns with limited equipment or supplies, etc.  Without these skills, schools would be even more chaotic than they already are.  (Though not all agree, as the likes of Sudbury schools have started popping up more and more.)  As future homeschoolers, my kids have no need of these skills, especially not at age 3 or 4.

And so I conclude that in the end, the best decision for our family is to keep on trekking with what we've been doing.  Staying home together, building on family relationships as paramount, and only supplementing the value system we live at home by playdates and group events for kids.  That is enough.

Getting Along with Others

Over the years, Oscar and I have greatly benefited from learning about our own and each other's temperaments, love languages, personality styles, etc.  It has helped us to remember that just because I am a certain way, just because I see the world in a particular light, just because I have this or that preference, doesn't mean that everyone does.  With that understanding comes an ongoing attempt to try to cater to the other person, so that our relationship is a give-and-take.  These insights have been so enlightening for us, that we try to share what we have learned with anyone and everyone who will listen.

We've taken personality-type quizzes while in the Army, on spiritual retreats, and through job enrichment workshops. But our passion for understanding each other started when we attended a marriage enrichment retreat.  (However, this does not mean that these insights are somehow limited to only romantic relationships!)

While on our WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we learned that I am a Thinker and Oscar is a Catalyst.  (The other two personality styles described were that of Helper and Organizer.) It was eye-opening for me to understand that there is a reason why Oscar tends to do or say things to annoy me - this only happens when he's bored and trying to get a reaction just to have some fun with it.  He doesn't mean for it to be disrespectful.  This is actually a useful skill when it comes to getting out of a rut of some kind, be that social or work-related.  Catalysts make things happen.  If nothing is going on, invite a Catalyst, and things will start to happen!  Ever since making this discovery, I no longer let it get to me when he tries to get on my nerves, because now I know that that isn't his intention at all.  In fact, whenever he starts to do something that causes an annoyed reaction in me, I'm now able to step back and call him on it: "you're being a Catalyst".  We have a good laugh about it and a potential argument is dissolved before it begins.  Oscar, on the other hand, is able to understand that whatever he asks me, I need to think about it first.  Whatever he wants me to try to do, I'll need to think about it first.  He understands why I am not spontaneous - that would take all the fun out of thinking about it first!

Another thing we learned on our weekend that we had previously read about in a book: There are five love languages that we utilize when considering how we express our love for others, and how we interpret others' love for us.  Gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch are different ways we can show someone that we care about them.  If two people speak the same love language (so to speak), then their mutual expressions of love are pretty effortless.  Each knows what the other wants because it's what they want, too.  But when they speak different love languages, most people do not consider the fact that just because I like something, someone else may not.  My primary love language is words of affirmation.  I need to hear praise, compliments, encouragement.  I actually need to hear or read these sentiments in words. It is not enough to imply it for me.  I do not feel accepted, appreciated, or loved if these words don't come sincerely and frequently.

Oscar, on the other hand, speaks Acts of Service.  He knows he is loved when someone does something for him.  And serving others is how he expresses his care as well.  He will go out of his way if need be to run an errand, do a chore, help in whatever way he can.  This action is how he shows he cares.  The words to him are unnecessary.  Whereas I like to voice my love for him, but never connected mundane tasks like doing the dishes with an expression of my love.  Thanks to this realization about the different love languages, I have started to make a point of doing things I don't like to do but need to be done, because they now carry a special meaning.  They're not just chores anymore, but expressions of my care for Oscar.  This knowledge makes the task much more pleasant for me, and Oscar gets a steady dose of affirmation that I care about him.  To a lesser degree, we enjoy quality time and physical touch as well, but luckily neither of us is big on gifts as an expression of love. (I say luckily because when one person speaks Gifts and the other does not, a lot of arguments about "wasted" money can ensue. When both or neither speaks Gifts, there isn't this problem.)

Our temperaments are another key to understanding each other.  We read about the four temperaments - Choleric, Sanguine, Phlegmatic, and Melancholic - in a book. It was after reading about these four temperaments that I realized I could apply this information to any relationship, not just my marriage.  It was no surprise to me that I am Melancholic - this would follow if I'm a Thinker according to the previous assessment.  Oscar is a Sanguine - a friendly, happy-go-lucky life of the party.  Again, makes sense for a Catalyst to always be looking for a good time!  And then I read the section about Cholerics and saw my mother.  Suddenly, I began to understand why we often butted heads.  Apparently, the most difficult temperament for a Melancholic child to have in a parent is Choleric!  I'm overly sensitive - Cholerics are the least sensitive of the bunch.  Therefore, I take every little thing personally and dwell on it (remember, I'm a Thinker! That's what I do - I think, overthink, psychoanalyze every comment, gesture, action.)

One of the latest contributors to our wealth of knowledge about how different personalities can better get along comes from a parenting book: Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.  I ordered the book when Natalia was about 4 months old, suspecting that she may be "spirited", a euphemism that basically means having more challenging behavior.  To my surprise, as I started reading the fascinating descriptions of what a spirited child is like, why, and what strategies can be helpful in working with - rather than against - a spirited child, I started to see myself in the role of spirited child!  No one ever talks about spirited adults, but it makes sense that spirited children grow up to be spirited adults!  So what can be expected of a spirited person? The aspects that apply to me include: a negative first reaction, slow to transition, intense reactions, sensitive, persistent, perceptive, serious and analytical mood.  Two other criteria are common among spirited folks: high energy and irregularity in bodily functions (sleep, hunger, bathroom breaks). Natalia seems to fit the description of a spirited child after all.  For instance, we cannot get her on any sort of sleeping schedule. Her bedtime can vary by two or more hours, regardless how we try to finagle her naps. But she warrants her own post!

Let me flesh out how these attributes look in me.  A negative first reaction is pretty self-explanatory. Whenever I am asked to try something new, for instance, my immediate reaction is no.  I often come around to a yes, but for someone who doesn't know this about me they may give up after the first try. Similarly, I'm slow to transition to anything new.  It takes me longer than most people to feel comfortable in any new endeavor. I have strong (intense) reactions to my emotions, both positive and negative.  Some may say that I "overreact" because of this.  (Just ask Oscar how I react to something I find very funny!) I'm also sensitive, so I experience my emotions more deeply than many others.  If I'm sad, I'm automatically very sad.  If I'm upset, I'm quite angry. I am persistent when I get fixated on wanting to do something.  This can be good in that it keeps me from quitting too easily.  Then again, it can be bad in that I may come across as stubborn and unyielding. I'm more perceptive than others, too.  I notice things others don't give a second thought to.  I have an eye for grammatical errors (don't call me on any typos here!), I notice sexist language.  I observe subtle facial expressions and intonation in people.  As a whole, I tend to stay serious and analytical, which makes sense if I'm always thinking about what I notice!

Another somewhat less recent addition to our repertoire has been the Called and Gifted workshop and small group discussions that followed.  Oscar and I both went through the workshop at our previous church several years ago, before I was pregnant with Natalia.  Then I went through it again this year, and followed up with 7 weeks of small group discussions.  The idea behind the Called and Gifted workshop is that God gives different people different gifts that He intends for us to use in order to share His grace with other.  These are different from talents, which are merely things we are good at. Charisms are skills we are meant to use for the benefit of others.  We can't help but share them, and they're bound to have positive results when used in the correct spirit.  There are many possibilities, some not even included in the inventory of the workshop.  My most likely charisms are writing, teaching, knowledge - all in line with the other assessments that indicate that I'm a melancholic thinker who is perceptive, intense, and sensitive.  Oscar, on the other hand, suspects his charisms include service (which makes total sense since his love language is acts of service).

With this background information, in a future post, I will try to delve into some of my other relationships in light of the differences between us.

Natalka's Preschool February-March

Let's start with the most difficult lessons anyone ever has to learn - those surrounding death.  Natalka experienced the funeral of her great-grandfather, as well as saying goodbye to our beloved family dog, Bigosia.  In an effort to prepare her with the little time we had, there were books read both on grief and life cycles, specifically in the animal kingdom.  There was also talk about our religious beliefs regarding eternal life.  Very hard lessons, lessons not found in an academic setting, yet so much more important.

Visiting the park where, almost exactly a year ago, she participated in the spreading of her Abuelo Henry's ashes.

Making friends at a cemetery.

Sitting on Abuela's lap at bisabuelo Yeyo's funeral.

Just days after returning from the funeral trip, it was time to say goodbye to our faithful companion.

Covered shivering Bigosia.

Trip to vet before getting the bad news.

Allowed to walk Bigosia all by herself.  

Offering treats for the road.

Saying goodbye.

One thing I've learned through this difficult time is that perspective is everything.  You'll notice the smiles on Natalia's face even as we continued talking about what was happening.  I had to paint Bigosia's last day as somehow special, something Bigosia was looking forward to, being released from her pain and the confines of her broken body, her spirit free to roam the cosmos, at Jesus's side.  There had to be a little creative theology there, but nothing too far from what I believe to be essentially true.

But there were other learning opportunities these two months as well.  The first was a starting point for a religious identity.  Being present at her brother's baptism provided an opportunity to read a few books on Catholicism and start talking about who is and isn't Catholic. 

Hello new Catholic brother ;)

learning about self-regulating her own temperature

texture under the feet, a calming view, so much to take in

found a jellyfish

     

Putting her snowsuit to good use

 Wildly fluctuating temperatures made for some very interesting February outdoor adventures.

Backyard picnic. No food.

Fine motor skills with the clothespins, a helping attitude, and learning that the sun's heat dries our clothes.

Bubbles, always a source of wonder.

Took this photo to show Natalka her uvula after reading about it in a book.

Story time at the library.

Exploring the library computer.

Some new moves on the parallel bars.

The joy of pushing past one's fear! Natalka on a ladder.

 

Found a worm on a walk.

Spanish story time con Papi.

Expressing herself at the dollar store.

Teaching brother to grasp things.

Who is copying whom?  Natalks keen on what gets mom's attention.

Claiming her little brother.

Fine motor skills and a precursor to braiding - twisting yarn.

Not to mention the numerous library books (and books we own) that we read daily.  Our library focus has been zoology, and we've been moving through mammals, birds, reptiles, and currently on amphibians.  Natalia is picking up not only vocabulary to describe what we're learning about the animal kingdom, but also incorporating these newly learned concepts into her play and conversations.  Just this morning, she brough a balloon and talked about having laid an egg.  We talked about what kind of animal she might be (it has to be an animal that actually lays eggs!), and she proceeded to inform me (when I asked what was inside, expecting to hear the name of an animal) that there was yolk inside, so that the baby animal had something to eat to help it grow so it could hatch!  She then opened the curtains to let the sun in because the egg needs heat for the animal to hatch!  

We read and watched videos about air travel as well.  That it'd be noisy.  That her ears might hurt.  What she can expect to see out the window.  How to answer if someone asks her with whom she's traveling or what her full name is. That kind of thing.

Waiting for her plane.

Sitting in her own big chair on the plane.  Playing with the "just-in-case" travel pouch we prepared for her should she get separated from Daddy.

I also wanted to add the various social situations that Natalka has had, but I didn't want to go through the photos documenting these encounters due to privacy issues.  She played with six kids at Antonio's baptism, a little girl cousin she just met at her great-grandfather's funeral, whatever kids we run into at the library, at the playground, or at church, and the regular playdates that she has with several friends.  And that's just her peers.  More importantly, she's interacted with her grandparents, an aunt, cousins, and friends of her parents.  What's more, she finally agreed to go to a children's "class/childcare" during a church event, and not only did she go willingly, she was eager to return. 

Something else that isn't evident from these photos is her continued multilingual growth.  I mentioned her growing English vocabulary from library books, but the show Little Einsteins also helps in this regard.  We finally found it in Spanish, so she's started watching it in Spanish as well.  You can see one of the photos depicting Spanish storytime as well.  Signing likewise is used regularly, and I try to keep up by watching the Signing Time videos with her at least once.

What I've learned from these two months is that there are seasons for everything, and that there is no need to try to squeeze every "subject" into every month.  While we are taking an unschooling approach for the time being, and I am enjoying seeing how much there is to be learned without curricula or lesson plans, I'd be remiss to say that I will stick with unschooling for the long haul.  One reason for unschooling right now is that I agree with what I'm reading about "delayed academics", or more accurately, about not imposing premature academics on a child.  Charlotte Mason, I haven't forgotten about you ;)

Bigosia's Transition to the Other Side

UPDATE: Scroll to the bottom.

We got Bigosia from an animal shelter 9 years ago.  She had been returned just the day before by her previous owners, who had her for about 9 months.  Prior to that, she had been a stray puppy.  She was named Bugle because of her beagle howl, which was actually quite scarce.  We named her Bigos, which means "hunter's stew" in Polish, as a play on "beagle".  Bigosia is a diminutive of that.

Bigosia was always laid back and low energy.  Which turned out to be a great fit with us lazy folk, lol.  But after two years, we felt bad that she was home alone all day while Oscar and I worked.  So we got her a brother, Hunter.  He turned out to be high maintenance and a trouble maker from the start, but bless her heart, Bigosia tolerated him for six years, until Hunter went to live with a new family last summer.

When Bigosia first joined our family, we didn't know if we would have kids.  We had just gotten our infertility diagnosis, and over the next two years, all adoption attempts kept falling through.  I romanticized her in my mind.  I didn't dress her up and otherwise treat her like a human child, but nurturing her did satisfy that desire for motherhood to a degree.

A little over three years ago, our daughter was born.  Unfortunately, that was the end of my babying Bigosia.  These last few years have been a matter of putting up with the responsibilities of pet ownership because we made that commitment, but there wasn't much joy in the process.  New parenthood had enough requirements that there just wasn't anything left for the doggies.  Once Hunter left, we realized that we just aren't dog people, and we agreed to never get another pet.  But we didn't expect Bigosia to be on her way out so soon after Hunter.

At first, it was just some slightly elevated calcium in her blood.  We'd watch and retest later, per vet advice.  But then she quit eating her dry dog food, and we assumed it was because she didn't get her teeth cleaned when the bloodwork showed the high calcium.  We thought it was painful to eat, so we started to wet her food, which worked for a while.  Then she stopped liking that.  We tried it with broth instead of water, which worked for a while.  Then she stopped liking that.  So we finally decided to risk getting her teeth cleaned, thinking that it would improve her quality of life and help her eat comfortably again.

But after her teeth cleaning, she quickly deteriorated.  She became progressively more picky in her food selection.  She would go days barely picking at her food.  So we tried some canned food, figuring maybe the wetness and flavor of that would entice her.  It worked for a short while, but then she stopped touching the stuf.  We tried some dehydrated dog food, where you can actually see the real whole foods.  She loved it.  The first and second time.  And then she stopped eating that.

We knew there were several possible causes of the elevated calcium in her blood, but we were not prepared to start an array of diagnostic testing, which could be quite pricey, when we knew that the most likely treatments would be too expensive and invasive to undergo for an aging dog.  We were told that as she got older, she may just be getting picky with her eating, or not want to eat as much.

When she developed a small growth near her nose, we thought we'd take her in to see if it was a tick that burrowed itself in there.  That's when we first realized how little she's been eating.  She had lost a lot of weight.  The growth proved harmless, but the weight loss alerted us to pay closer attention to her.

Over the next week or so, we realized that she would follow the same pattern even with human food.  First, she left untouched a kong full of her favorite - peanut butter.  Then, she'd scoff at rice and beans, eggs (hard boiled, fried, scrambled...), hash browns.  She ate three handfulls of her doggie treats once, and we thought we were on to something, but she wouldn't touch a single one the next day. No matter what we'd offer her, she'd eat it once, and then scoff at it the second time.  She'd be intrested in food - our food - but wouldn't want to eat.  We tried a five day course of an apetite medication, which proved a challenge in itself, as it was a tablet to be taken by mouth, quite a feat for a dog who won't eat.  It made no difference.

Two weeks after the first low weight visit, we were back at the vet's office.  Not only were we running out of food to offer her, and she seemed to be interested only in things she had never had before, but we also noticed that she started breathing fast - all the time.  Her black fur camoflauged the fact that she was now, upon closer examination, quite bony.  In just two weeks, she had lost more weight.

We had a full blood panel done and xrays.  It was as we suspected - there was a large growth over her spleen, pushing her intestines up into her chest. I suspect that she doesn't feel her hunger, but rather feels constantly full and therefore unwilling to take in more food.  She may associate food with pain in her abdomen.  She often sniffs a new offering, goes outside to, presumably, make room for the food.  She also drinks water, seemingly to help her "go #2" and make room for food.  This is all my interpreation, of course.  But the bottom line is that she's not taking in enough calories to maintain her strength for much longer.

Natalka kididi

Antosik kididi

We were referred to a supposedly affordable hospital in the next state for surgery, to remove the growth.  At first, we had set a dollar amount on what we were willing to pay going forward, having just spent $400 on the xray and bloodwork.  But when we were faced with the facts, nothing was clear-cut anymore.  The vet and her assistants were all full of anectdotal stories of dogs with similar issues having a similar procedure and then going on to live anywhere from a year and a half to nine years.  Bigos is now 11.  We figured, all things being normal, she'd be around for another four years or so.

A part of me wants to be done with it.  It seems having the surgery would only postpone the inevitable.  Do we want to deal with this now or in a few years?  Another part of me says it's not fair to end her life because it'd be easier for me.

But today, I sat and petted her and talked to her and cried my eyes out, asking what she wanted.  Of course she was no help in that regard.  But here's what I came up with.

If we do the surgery, the biopsy that would be a part of the surgery could reveal cancer.  In that case, it may or may not return.  If it does, are we going to keep doing surgery?  We already said we wouldn't do chemo on  her.  What kind of quality of life is that for her to keep having diagnostic tests done, to face subseuqent surgeries, or chemo?

Even best case scenario, the surgery goes swimmingly and she's with us for another 4 years.  But is the stress of the surgery and all that goes with it going to be worth it to her?  The hard truth is that we are not pet-people, and we are kidding ourselves if we think we're going to change if given another chance.  I'd love to be able to say that I'd be that perfect pet-parent that Bigosia deserves, and that she'd enjoy frequent walks, lots of belly rubs, tons of daily attention, for several years after surgery.  But the truth is, we have two small children who are our priority, and we just don't have it in us to be those pet-parents.  I'd be lying and fooling myself if I think a second chance would be any different. I want to make up for the six years Bigosia had to put up with Hunter.  But I cannot promise it.

We cannot let her starve to death or wait for the mass, which may be a clot, to burst.  The decision has to be made asap, and the choices are clear: surgery or euthenasia.  I hate being in this position.  I do not like having to make a life-or-death decision for another living being.  And yet, if I want to be honest with myself, how is this different from eating meat?  (This is why I've struggled with the desire to be vegetarian or even vegan.)

What's more, I believe that all of God's creation is eternal in some way.  You know, the whole energy can neither be created nor destroyed bit.  So releasing Bigosia from her physical suffering would also release her from the limitations of our boring home life.  I don't know if she'd come back as another dog, a different creature, or simply be free to roam the universe as a different constellation of star dust, not limited to an earthly existence.  But she would be free.

Trip to vet where we got our bad news.

Bigosia was always such a good dog.

She started shivering for longer intervals.

Surgery at this time would be done 1) to postpone the inevitable, 2) in hopes of the rest of her life being worthwhile for her, and 3) assuming no futher tests or treatment would be necessary.  Based on these three points, I'm leaning away from putting her through surgery.  The financial expense would only be an added source of angst if the surgery wouldn't be the cure-all we hope for.

Option #1: surgery
Best case scenario - both our kids can form more memories of her, experience life with a pet, benefit from her presence as far as allergies and nature study are concerned. When the kids are older, it would be a hard but good lesson in life cycles for them.  But this sounds too much like using Bigosia for our own benefits.  She already fulfilled her purpose, I think, by being there for us when we didn't have kids.

Worse case scenario - we'll be right back to this dilema after surgery, and either keep doling out more money and stressing over the remainder of her time with us, something she'd also pick up on, or make the decision to cut our loses at that point, and regret not having done it sooner.

Option #2: euthenasia
Of course this is so difficult because it's final, and I'll miss her, but the truth is, I miss the ideal of her.  I already miss who I was to her when she was "my kid".  I can't recreate the past for either of us.  Postponing the inevitable is not very productive.

The vet said basically that the decision to euthenize is based on an assesment of the dog's quality of life.  Eathing and drinking, not being in pain, and generally enjoying being a part of the family.  Well, while she did wag her tail when they brought her back to the room after her xray and bloodwork, it is hard to assess how much she enjoys living with us.  She spends her days sleeping, getting up only to drink (used to be to eat, but not anymore) and to go outside.  She never initiates play or seeks us out for affection.  This is part of her personality.  She's always been a loner.  I think this is why she tolerated Hunter so well.  But to say that she "enjoys being a part of the family" is a stretch, I think. Honestly, I think she would be equally happy released to the cosmos.

At first, I was gung-ho about the surgery.  I wanted another chance to give her a few more years of attention that she didn't get these last three years.  I wanted to be able to say that we did what we could.  But the more I think about it, the more I think I'm kidding myself.  I think doing the surgery would placate me, but I don't think it would actually make life better for Bigosia.

It seems strange to choose euthenasia for her right now because she's still drinking water, going outside, and letting us pet her (seeming to enjoy it as well).  But we are not in a position to just let her condition deteriorate on its own.

The idea of making peace with her leaving our family is hard.  I want to take a few pictures of the kids with Bigosia.  All of us together perhaps.  Take her for one last walk.  Brush her fur and clean her ears one more time.  And then?  Decide when to take her in, and who will go with her.

All that remains is to talk with Oscar to see what he thinks after having some time to sleep on it.

UPDATE: It has been almost two weeks since Bigosia's passing.  The first three or four days were particularly difficult for me.  I was bawling all over the place.  I hated coming home to an empty house, even entering the room where she'd hang out.  I checked outside for her.  I listened for her nails scratching at the door or on the kitchen floor.  I listened for her noisy water drinking.  I listened for her tiny half-barks she'd make through her sleep.  I felt her presence, but I couldn't see or hear her.  It was awful.  I had a lot of processing to do.  A lot of emotions to work through, guilt and regret at the forefront.

The day Bigosia passed away.

I'm glad we found out more about the surgery.  We actually had it scheduled for early the next morning when the sky seemed to crumble when Oscar pointed out that the expense was adding up.  It wasn't just surgery, there was aftercare, and various little things, and the hotel stays.  But when it came down to it, I didn't care about the cost.  I wasn't prepared to make this decision over money, and I'm glad that it is not what it came down to.  What it did come down to was the possible complications from surgery or afterwards, the likely continued health issues afterwards due to Bigosia's unique situation, including the likelihood of it having been cancer and infections she'd be more prone to after the removal of her spleen (which would've been a part of the exploratory surgery), and the fact that she's suffered from heart episodes during anesthesia in the past.  In the end, we didn't want to put her through so much physical and emotional trauma just for a chance of a little more time.  After all, she wasn't a young dog, either.

Natalia takes Bigosia for her last walk around PetSmart.

I felt the pressure to get it over with as Bigosia was clearly suffering those last few days.  Even though she perked up at some meat and ate a whole rotissery chicken the two days before her passing, the day of, she hardly had any of the bacon I made for her, or the hotdog.  She didn't touch the treats the vet gave her when it was almost time.  She was so exhausted from living; how could we not release her from her pain?  It seemed like we were choosing not to let her live longer by passing on the surgery, but I have to remind myself that it was exploratory surgery, with zero guarantees and lots of likely complications.  We did what we knew was best for her.

Bigosia had a good life with us.  Nine years as part of our family.  It sucks that I hadn't realized how much she meant to me until it was time to say goodbye, that I didn't thank God for her until after she was gone.  But in the aftermath of her passing, I'm gaining great spiritual insights thanks to her.  She continues to bless me, a "mere animal".  Which brings me to my next point.

Some people  - pet people - welcome a new pet into their homes after the loss.  We agreed we were not going to do that.  Instead, the way I see honoring Bigosia is by a renewed desire and comitment to less and less animal foods.  A plant-based diet is better for our health, the environment, and of course the individual animals in question.  And that's what I can't let go of.  Bigos was one dog.  Look at how much grieving I've done over a single animal.  She was a sentient being with a unique personality.  How can I disregard this fact and carry on eating other animals just because I haven't met them personally?  Just because the meat products have been so thoroughly transformed so as to hide any hint of it having been a part of an animal's body?  How much longer am I going to live in denial that eating meat hurts living beings?  I don't mean just that it kills them.  I mean that modern food industry, in the interest of profit, tortures the animals that are being raised for meat.  There is no use sugar-coating it any further.  Practically speaking, I won't go hungry if there isn't a vegetarian or better-yet vegan alternative in a given situation (like when visiting someone's home), but I really need to do better when it comes to eating out, educating myself about what restaurants have available plant-based dishes that actually satisfy.  The darn ceaser salad can kiss my behind, that is not a meal.  But I digress.

Saying goodbye.

Thank you, Bigosia, for your mere presence and for allowing God to teach me through your life, your death, and your memory.

Last photo of our family of five, right before taking Bigosia to her last appointment.

What I learned from my higher education

I have a very non-mainstream view of higher education, based not only on my personal experience but on all the research I have done and continue to do in the area of home education.  The bottom line lesson I've learned, the lesson that has given me the freedom to reframe my goals for my children's education, is this:  a college degree is no guarantee for a successful life.  It's not even a guarantee for a successful career, or even a job upon graduation!

Yet if we look at mainstream parenting, one feature that jumps out is the obsession with "educating" our children.  Earlier and earlier focus on premature academics, followed by a sedentary classroom existence for 13 years, all so that the child can enter a competitive college and - what? Find their way in the pecking order of the rat race?  I'll opt out, thanks anyway.  Instead of learning anything of worth, our children are being spoon fad facts and taught to the test.  A lucky few actually come to care about anything being taught them, or they find the time to learn about their passions on their own time.

But this isn't a post about the perils of modern American education.  This post is looking at the things that I actually DID learn in my 8 years of higher education.  Interestingly, none of these things are facts, but rather skills.  Skills that I have internalized and used as part of my everyday life in making decisions for my family.  Skills that have led me to decide to homeschool my kids.  Skills that have made me realize that my goals for my kids do not necessarily include college.  Here's why.

I started my college career at Northern Virginia Commnity College.  There, I learned how to organize classes at different campuses and at different times, and how to prioritize the various graduation requirements. I "majored" in general studies.  Basically, more of the same stuff I was taking in high school at infinitismally more advanced levels. (In an interesting turn of events, I eventually taught at NVCC for a decade!)

After a quick stint in the Army, I resumed my college education at what is now the University of Mary Washington.  Here, I created my own major - Linguistics and Women's Studies, where I followed my passions and studied what I enjoyed... in addition to fulfilling general education requirements. (Shouldn't those have been established by the time of high school graduation?) I gained valuable exposure to women's issues across disciplines, including religion, sociology, and psychology.  I also gained an in-depth comparative look at the language and identity experiences of two immigrant women very close to me - my mom and my mother-in-law.

I learned critical thinking and research skills.  I learned to question authoritative mainstream opinions.  I learned to differentiate between opinion and fact.  I learned the difference between correlation and causation.  I learned how to recognize reliable sources.  These are all skills that many of my peers do not have, based on the various asanine arguments I hear against home education and my parenting philosophy (both researched thoroughly before being implemented).

At MWC (it was Mary Washington College still when I attended), I also learned to write effectively for a variety of purposes and gained the confidence to speak in front of groups of people since writing-intensive and speaking-intensive coursework was part of the curriculum.  (Thanks to the latter especially, I was able to teach adults for a decade, in spite of having social anxiety in front of strangers.)

My graduate studies (in sociolinguistics) were conducted at Georgetown University.  At GU, I learned how to pay attention to - and interpret - words in advertisements, lyrics, magazine articles, speeches, court transcripts, everyday conversations.  I learned to observe and interpret nonverbal cues in body language and images.  I learned the difference between implication and inference.

The hardest thing I learned at GU, though, was how to know when to quit.  I realized a bit too late (for my pocketbook especially) that even a doctoral degree was no guarantee of a successful career.  It was only after I had submitted the first draft of the first chapter of my dissertation that I finally realized that I had been fed a lie.  No one is going to be knocking on my door the day after I defend my dissertation offering me a lucrative teaching position that will allow me to quickly pay off my student loans and build a comfy nest egg.  I was paralyzed between this realization and the regret of all the time and money that had already gone into pursuing this pipe dream.  Finally withdrawing from the program and ending my formal higher education was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

My education did not teach me how to market my skills and knowledge in order to land employment.  It did, however, prepare me to homeschool and provide an effective education to my own kids.  And I have to say that it really rubs me the wrong way when I hear it implied that this is somehow a waste.  If I were to influence anyone for the good thanks to what I have learned over the years, who can benefit more from my influence than my own children?  And if I don't prioritize them, who will?  What would be the point of me outsourcing their education to someone else while I continue teaching others?  Where is the logic in that?  Or is the point really that these naysayers feel sorry for me, assuming that I'm not being fulfilled through my children, because how can I be fulfilled without a paycheck proving that I have worth?   But really this is veering into the homeschooling and stay-home-parenting debate, which is not the point of this post.

I learned a lot from my higher education.  None of it should have had to wait until I finished high school to begin.  I should've mastered all of these skills in my primary and secondary education.  And this is precisely what I intend to provide through educating my children at home.  So that if they choose to pursue a college degree, they will know at the onset 1) that their post-graduation goals necessitate a degree, and 2) which degree.  And if they choose not to pursue college?  Then the world is nonetheless their oyster.