Today I said Goodbye to my Dad again, for the last time.

Today my father was buried in Poland, in the same grave as his parents.  He is back home with his Mother.  My mom fulfilled his last request by taking the trip in spite of the cost, headaches and heartaches, and physical difficulties that arise from her health.  My brother and his wife accompanied her on the journey.  It was bittersweet for me to not be there, but I am content with my decision.  I said goodbye to him at the funeral home where he was cremated, the day after he passed on.  Then I had several "visists" with him in the vicinity of his urn while he stayed with my Mom, and I even kept his urn in my house for a time.  Several years ago, when my parents were visiting us for Christmas (which was a rare event), I thanked him for bringing me to this country and for being instrumental in how my life turned out.  I wish we could've had a better relationship than we did, but I'm also relieved to finally be allowed to grieve and get closure.  

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the day he was involved in a motorcycle accident that left him with a severe traumatic brain injury.  He passed on the day before my parents' 46th wedding anniversary, and serendipitously he was buried on the anniversary of the accident that could've killed him but didn't.  We got an extra 23 years with him, albeit he was a different version of himself.

Today is also the summer solstice; the longest day and shortest night of the year.  Auspicious in my opinion.  The night is short and will soon pass.  Time is an illusion.  It is only the boundaries of the container that holds our drinking water.  With or without it, the water is still there, still able to quench our thirst.  The glass just makes it easier while we're having our human experience.

My faith is not where it's been before.  I don't believe in the literal stories associated with the organized religion of my upbringing.  I believe it's all symbolic and often serves as more of a handicap than an insight into the deep mysteries of Spirit.  Instead, I have embraced philosophical Daoism.  My Dad is no less than he was 2 years ago, no less than he was 25 years ago.  Just different, again.  We're just on different vibrational frequencies now, that's all.  

I no longer try to force things into religious interpretations.  Rather, I try to empty my mind of limiting beliefs, of ego-centric assumptions, of internalized interpretations that are not based on my own personal experience.  It's not that my Dad "went to heaven".  It's more that he never left it, and has now been reunited with Source in an unadulterated way, without the confines of a physical body, a human experience, or the limitations of time and space.   It's MY experience that I have to reconfigure, not his.  I'm the one who isn't living in reality.  I'm the one who is running on autopilot instead of being mindful of the incredible miracle that is every breath and heartbeat and moment.

I don't have to be here.  I once wasn't here, and I won't always be here.  But .... that's only true IF I identify my personal "I" with this human mind and body.  Instead, if I recognize that I am not my body or my mind, but something far greater, that I AM a mere part of a much greater whole, that I am energy, I am spirit, I am light, I am being - then I simply float in and out of "existence" via incarnations, but who knows what I'm doing in between incarnations.  Who knows what consciousness is like outside the confines of a physical brain.

Anywho, this was the first funeral for both my Mom and my brother, so in that regard, I'm glad they got the chance to participate over me.  I've been to three other funerals: my great-grandmother, my best friend, and my father-in-law.  Each was completely different, with a completely different cultural setting.  And each was clearly for the benefit of those of us left behind.  

One thing I know and I've told my children and husband - I do not have any "last wishes" regarding how my body should be handled after I die.  I prefer cremation, but outside of that, I want whatever will be most comfortable, convenient, and affordable to them at the time.  I will have already moved on from the attachments of this current life, so why continue to string my loved ones along when they can be free like me.

Parental Rights vs Trans Kids Rights?

Most reasonable people would agree that everyone in a free society should have the right to do whatever they want to do unless and until that right starts to interfere with the rights of others.  When there is such a conflict, which is often the case, it is important to put one's personal opinions aside in the interest of figuring out what is the greatest good.

The reason people do not have certain rights and responsibilities until they are 18 years old is because that is the age we as a society have determined to be the time when a person can reasonably be expected to know enough about the world to make decisions with full understanding of their implications.  

This is the reason that we have to wait until we are 18 to vote, get married, pay taxes, buy cigarettes... even older to rent a car or hotel room or run for office or buy booze.  Some decisions have been granted to slightly younger people - generally 17 year olds can enlist in the military and see an R rated movie, while 16 year olds can drive unaccompanied and apply to be emancipated from their parents if they can establish due cause.  There is obviously some wiggle room in the later teen years, as maturity levels vary widely between individuals, and we all know some 40 year olds that you would not trust babysitting your kids or house sitting for you.  But there are certain age restrictions nonetheless because what would the vote of a five year old really mean?  That they have mastered the art of eeney-meeney-miney-mo?

When it comes to issues of sexuality, things start to get a little dicey, as is the case among adults as well.  An 18 year old can be arrested for "statuory rape" of their 17 year old partner if the minor's parents have it out for them, even though the age of consent for sex is 16 in many places.  It can't be that the water in one state makes for more mature 16 year olds than in others.  So the age restrictions do seem to be rather abstract.  But the point is that all 50 US states have a minimum age of 16 for consent to sex, which means across the nation, no one agrees that teens younger than 16 are generally mature enough to understand the full reprecussions of sexual intimacy and the potential fallout, both physical and emotional of engaging in what many (myself included) believe is an activity best suited for adults married to each other.  But that's a digression.

Interestingly, we already see a disconnect between the laws on the books about minium age of consent and the age at which an adolescent can get an abortion without their parents' consent or knowledge.  If the teenager is of the age of consent in their state, then they must by extension be considered old enough to handle the ramifications of that decision, including an unintended pregnancy.  For instance, the state of Oregon does not grant minors under the age of 18 consent to sex, yet neither does it require parental consent or notification either.  This is a mixed message.  On the one hand, the state is saying that a 16 or 17 year old is not old enough to enter into a sexual relationship, yet that same state is saying that if they do anyway, they can then proceed to decide if an abortion would be the best course of action should they get pregnant.  Isn't the former much less involved than the latter?  Many people do regret their abortions, not to mention the invasiveness and potential complications from an abortion.  Shouldn't they be accompanied by their parents when making such a life-changing decision?

So already we see that the idea that 18 is a magical age at which a child becomes an adult is wrong.  There is no such magic moment.  It is a very nuanced situation.  And you know who can best help determine when a child is ready for the responsibility?  Their parents.  Not the government, and not the child themself. 

If a child or tween cannot consent to sex, how can they consent to anything else having to do with sexuality and gender?  How can they realistically grasp the ramifications of undergoing irreversible therapies such as hormones or surgery when they haven't lived long enough to get that they can't just click undo and go back if they change their minds?  And I think it goes without saying that adolesence is a time of self-discovery, when teens try on different identities in order to figure out which is the best fit for them.  To insist on the minor committing to the first identity they try on in the name of "allyship" is terribly misguided.

I of course have in mind here the idea that when a child expresses that they feel they are of a different gender than has been affiliated with their sex, we are seeing the government stepping in to interfere with how the child's parents choose to handle this ubiquitous growing phase.  That is not to say that children cannot know that they were born "in the wrong body".  But it is simply too soon to know for certain which children will stick with this identity realization, and which will try it on for a while and then move on to something different.  

For this reason, I support the idea of letting a child try on different genders so long as they do not require any permanent ramifications.  They can change their outfits, their hair, their name, their pronoun... all things that, should this turn out to be a phase, can be changed back.  And even if it is not a phase, and the child does end up not identifying with the gender associated with their sex, if we believe that gender is a spectrum, how do we know that the child may not grow up to identify as nonbinary, and any intentional, invasive treatments did more harm than good if they only forced the person to present more of a different gender, but still of a binary gender nonetheless?  

There is no reason to jump to life-long changes when a child expresses a desire to transition.  We can support them without making them responsible for decisions they are simply too young and immature to make on their own.  This is too great of a burden and it is irresponsible parenting to rush the process, and even more irresponsible governing to interfere in what should remain between the child and their parent.

What I know the retort to all of this is, is that "not everyone has the benefit of having compassionate, understanding parents".  I totally get this and sympathise, but what does that say about the state of our society that we presume that parents are not doing their job and therefore the child is better off with the state than with the very people whose role is to protect them and provide for them and prepare them for adulthood?

If we start bypassing parents, we might as well keep lowering the age of majority, until parenting is a mere 5 year stint that ends when the parents drop off their child at mandatory kindergarten, to be educated, indoctrinated, and essentially raised by the state.  

Natalia's 4th bday

Natalka requested a trip to the zoo for her bday, and we were happy to accommodate with an adventure rather than stuff.  We were also happy to resist a kids' birthday party for another year.  ;)

 

I discovered a new species of bird! Natalka!

We were joined by Tia Yoli and 

... prima Jade :)

checking out the crocodile

 

not sure who's more pensive

"Let me show you how it's done"

4 cheers for a super outing!

Ice cream bday cake, per request

Goodnight my little preschooler! Sto lat kochanie!

Dear Antonio

Dear Antonio,

As your first birthday approaches, I can't help but consider how my life - and I - have changed since you joined our family.  Not only did my faith come back as soon as I was pregnant with you, but I have also been forced to reconsider several assumptions about what I thought were best-practices in parenting.  Thanks to becoming a mother of two, I have a new appreciation for other mothers, mothers with more than one child, mothers who parent differently from me.  I no longer judge them.  

My faith was destroyed in the aftermath of postpartum depression and anxiety that I had after Natalia was born.  Try as I may, I couldn't regain it.  Then you came along, and I instantly knew you were here to stay, that you were a boy, and ... I suspect you may be called to the priesthood someday.  (No pressure!)

Antonio, you started to walk shortly after turning 10 months.  You already had 8 teeth by then.  That's when you started shaking your head "no" when you were full or if I tried to offer you oatmeal without a piece of fruit on the spoon!  You grin from ear to ear when I show you the sign for "milk", knowing you're about to get nursed.  You climb on everything and you're so curious about the world around you.  Everything is still new to you, and it's a joy to watch you discover God's great creation.  You smile and laugh easily, especially when tickled under your arms or on your inner thighs!  You play "kosi lapki" and love to hear me sing it while you clap.  And boy do you love your big sister!  You look for her when she's not around.  You touch her face as you examine her up close.  You grab things out of each other's hands already, but you do play together and enjoy each other's company.

You're not a big fan of the potty.  You hate having your diaper changed, too.  For the sake of peace, I've had to put cloth diapering, line drying laundry, and elimination communication on hold.  I also have been less than inspired when it comes to feeding you.  You love solid food, but just like your sister, you seem to be a foodie - something your mom is not.  So I don't let you feed yourself nearly as frequently as I did Natalia.  The mess is just too much for me.  

You sleep with me and nurse a few times each night, which is no big deal as long as you have a few sips and turn back to sleep.  Some nights you think you're at an all-night cafe, which is not conducive to your mom's back health, nor does it contribute to sufficient sleep.  But otherwise, I can't complain, so I never know what to say to people who ask how you're sleeping.  Better than if you were in a crib all alone in another room, that's for sure.  But I don't like to ruffle any feathers.  Not anymore, anyway!

My hopes for you are that you will always be as intrigued about the world as you are now, and that you will always welcome everyone with a kind smile, as you do now.  May you discern your calling in life earlier rather than later, so that you can go about the business of serving God with the joy and determination that are evident in your personality.

We named you Antonio Fernando.  Antonio means "worthy of praise", and we want your life to be a testament of God's great love for us; may your life show that God is worthy of praise.  Fernando means "adventurer".  Saint Anthony of Padua (born Fernando Martins de Bulhoes) is patron of lost things, and he has come through for us three times already. Once, he helped me find the becik (baptismal pillow) you were to be baptised in, as mommy foggy brian crept in and I couldn't remember where I was "safe keeping" it prior to your baptism. Another time, Natalia found her sunglasses after asking St. Anthony to help her find them the night before. Most recently, he arranged for Daddy to forget  to take the recycling to the curb on pick-up day, and when I went to take out recycling, I found a poem I had written and lost several days earlier, which was giving me much grief.  When we chose Antonio Fernando, we envisioned a holy adventurer :)  Peraps a missionary priest?

Of course, now that you're here and I've had time to consider what a religious vocation would entail, namely being separated from you for extended periods of time, I'm sort of eating my words.  But in the end, it's not my will but God's that shall prevail.  I am so grateful to God for having blessed me with you.  I didn't think I could handle two children.  I didn't think I could find enough room in my heart for both of you, but with God, all things are possible!

I love you my little darling.  My little cuddle bug.  So much!

Love, Mamusia

May and June

at the library

nature journaling on a walk

enjoying spring weather

helping daddy cut the grass

swim class with teacher daddy

dental hygiene very important

dolly walking on the wild side

feeding Antonio some avocado

just hanging around

on a walk

I feel like such a mama here

visiting with babcia & dziadek

creative idea: bonfire from pipe cleaners and popsicle sticks

upon closer examination...

storytime on the hammock

watering our herb garden

recycling helper

that's my girl

forming numerals

learning to count

watching caterpillar make its chrysalis

My little darling (the preschooler) is teaching herself to write! No curriculum necessary :)

Can you see our initials? N - Natalia, A - Antonio, T - tata, M - mama

camel

cow

"Jesus on the cross"

Antonio's February & March

wanting to sit up

dejavu, anyone?

meeting Abuela

backyard picnic

loved much by big sis

first steps on the beach

my little munchkins

4 month check up with our pediatrician

just hangin around

helping with laundry

shopping is now an outing

some obligatory tummy time

gotta start that reading early!

learning to grasp things from big sis

my little goof

face off