Today I said Goodbye to my Dad again, for the last time.

Today my father was buried in Poland, in the same grave as his parents.  He is back home with his Mother.  My mom fulfilled his last request by taking the trip in spite of the cost, headaches and heartaches, and physical difficulties that arise from her health.  My brother and his wife accompanied her on the journey.  It was bittersweet for me to not be there, but I am content with my decision.  I said goodbye to him at the funeral home where he was cremated, the day after he passed on.  Then I had several "visists" with him in the vicinity of his urn while he stayed with my Mom, and I even kept his urn in my house for a time.  Several years ago, when my parents were visiting us for Christmas (which was a rare event), I thanked him for bringing me to this country and for being instrumental in how my life turned out.  I wish we could've had a better relationship than we did, but I'm also relieved to finally be allowed to grieve and get closure.  

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the day he was involved in a motorcycle accident that left him with a severe traumatic brain injury.  He passed on the day before my parents' 46th wedding anniversary, and serendipitously he was buried on the anniversary of the accident that could've killed him but didn't.  We got an extra 23 years with him, albeit he was a different version of himself.

Today is also the summer solstice; the longest day and shortest night of the year.  Auspicious in my opinion.  The night is short and will soon pass.  Time is an illusion.  It is only the boundaries of the container that holds our drinking water.  With or without it, the water is still there, still able to quench our thirst.  The glass just makes it easier while we're having our human experience.

My faith is not where it's been before.  I don't believe in the literal stories associated with the organized religion of my upbringing.  I believe it's all symbolic and often serves as more of a handicap than an insight into the deep mysteries of Spirit.  Instead, I have embraced philosophical Daoism.  My Dad is no less than he was 2 years ago, no less than he was 25 years ago.  Just different, again.  We're just on different vibrational frequencies now, that's all.  

I no longer try to force things into religious interpretations.  Rather, I try to empty my mind of limiting beliefs, of ego-centric assumptions, of internalized interpretations that are not based on my own personal experience.  It's not that my Dad "went to heaven".  It's more that he never left it, and has now been reunited with Source in an unadulterated way, without the confines of a physical body, a human experience, or the limitations of time and space.   It's MY experience that I have to reconfigure, not his.  I'm the one who isn't living in reality.  I'm the one who is running on autopilot instead of being mindful of the incredible miracle that is every breath and heartbeat and moment.

I don't have to be here.  I once wasn't here, and I won't always be here.  But .... that's only true IF I identify my personal "I" with this human mind and body.  Instead, if I recognize that I am not my body or my mind, but something far greater, that I AM a mere part of a much greater whole, that I am energy, I am spirit, I am light, I am being - then I simply float in and out of "existence" via incarnations, but who knows what I'm doing in between incarnations.  Who knows what consciousness is like outside the confines of a physical brain.

Anywho, this was the first funeral for both my Mom and my brother, so in that regard, I'm glad they got the chance to participate over me.  I've been to three other funerals: my great-grandmother, my best friend, and my father-in-law.  Each was completely different, with a completely different cultural setting.  And each was clearly for the benefit of those of us left behind.  

One thing I know and I've told my children and husband - I do not have any "last wishes" regarding how my body should be handled after I die.  I prefer cremation, but outside of that, I want whatever will be most comfortable, convenient, and affordable to them at the time.  I will have already moved on from the attachments of this current life, so why continue to string my loved ones along when they can be free like me.

Natalka's Preschool February-March

Let's start with the most difficult lessons anyone ever has to learn - those surrounding death.  Natalka experienced the funeral of her great-grandfather, as well as saying goodbye to our beloved family dog, Bigosia.  In an effort to prepare her with the little time we had, there were books read both on grief and life cycles, specifically in the animal kingdom.  There was also talk about our religious beliefs regarding eternal life.  Very hard lessons, lessons not found in an academic setting, yet so much more important.

Visiting the park where, almost exactly a year ago, she participated in the spreading of her Abuelo Henry's ashes.

Making friends at a cemetery.

Sitting on Abuela's lap at bisabuelo Yeyo's funeral.

Just days after returning from the funeral trip, it was time to say goodbye to our faithful companion.

Covered shivering Bigosia.

Trip to vet before getting the bad news.

Allowed to walk Bigosia all by herself.  

Offering treats for the road.

Saying goodbye.

One thing I've learned through this difficult time is that perspective is everything.  You'll notice the smiles on Natalia's face even as we continued talking about what was happening.  I had to paint Bigosia's last day as somehow special, something Bigosia was looking forward to, being released from her pain and the confines of her broken body, her spirit free to roam the cosmos, at Jesus's side.  There had to be a little creative theology there, but nothing too far from what I believe to be essentially true.

But there were other learning opportunities these two months as well.  The first was a starting point for a religious identity.  Being present at her brother's baptism provided an opportunity to read a few books on Catholicism and start talking about who is and isn't Catholic. 

Hello new Catholic brother ;)

learning about self-regulating her own temperature

texture under the feet, a calming view, so much to take in

found a jellyfish

     

Putting her snowsuit to good use

 Wildly fluctuating temperatures made for some very interesting February outdoor adventures.

Backyard picnic. No food.

Fine motor skills with the clothespins, a helping attitude, and learning that the sun's heat dries our clothes.

Bubbles, always a source of wonder.

Took this photo to show Natalka her uvula after reading about it in a book.

Story time at the library.

Exploring the library computer.

Some new moves on the parallel bars.

The joy of pushing past one's fear! Natalka on a ladder.

 

Found a worm on a walk.

Spanish story time con Papi.

Expressing herself at the dollar store.

Teaching brother to grasp things.

Who is copying whom?  Natalks keen on what gets mom's attention.

Claiming her little brother.

Fine motor skills and a precursor to braiding - twisting yarn.

Not to mention the numerous library books (and books we own) that we read daily.  Our library focus has been zoology, and we've been moving through mammals, birds, reptiles, and currently on amphibians.  Natalia is picking up not only vocabulary to describe what we're learning about the animal kingdom, but also incorporating these newly learned concepts into her play and conversations.  Just this morning, she brough a balloon and talked about having laid an egg.  We talked about what kind of animal she might be (it has to be an animal that actually lays eggs!), and she proceeded to inform me (when I asked what was inside, expecting to hear the name of an animal) that there was yolk inside, so that the baby animal had something to eat to help it grow so it could hatch!  She then opened the curtains to let the sun in because the egg needs heat for the animal to hatch!  

We read and watched videos about air travel as well.  That it'd be noisy.  That her ears might hurt.  What she can expect to see out the window.  How to answer if someone asks her with whom she's traveling or what her full name is. That kind of thing.

Waiting for her plane.

Sitting in her own big chair on the plane.  Playing with the "just-in-case" travel pouch we prepared for her should she get separated from Daddy.

I also wanted to add the various social situations that Natalka has had, but I didn't want to go through the photos documenting these encounters due to privacy issues.  She played with six kids at Antonio's baptism, a little girl cousin she just met at her great-grandfather's funeral, whatever kids we run into at the library, at the playground, or at church, and the regular playdates that she has with several friends.  And that's just her peers.  More importantly, she's interacted with her grandparents, an aunt, cousins, and friends of her parents.  What's more, she finally agreed to go to a children's "class/childcare" during a church event, and not only did she go willingly, she was eager to return. 

Something else that isn't evident from these photos is her continued multilingual growth.  I mentioned her growing English vocabulary from library books, but the show Little Einsteins also helps in this regard.  We finally found it in Spanish, so she's started watching it in Spanish as well.  You can see one of the photos depicting Spanish storytime as well.  Signing likewise is used regularly, and I try to keep up by watching the Signing Time videos with her at least once.

What I've learned from these two months is that there are seasons for everything, and that there is no need to try to squeeze every "subject" into every month.  While we are taking an unschooling approach for the time being, and I am enjoying seeing how much there is to be learned without curricula or lesson plans, I'd be remiss to say that I will stick with unschooling for the long haul.  One reason for unschooling right now is that I agree with what I'm reading about "delayed academics", or more accurately, about not imposing premature academics on a child.  Charlotte Mason, I haven't forgotten about you ;)