Getting Along with Others

Over the years, Oscar and I have greatly benefited from learning about our own and each other's temperaments, love languages, personality styles, etc.  It has helped us to remember that just because I am a certain way, just because I see the world in a particular light, just because I have this or that preference, doesn't mean that everyone does.  With that understanding comes an ongoing attempt to try to cater to the other person, so that our relationship is a give-and-take.  These insights have been so enlightening for us, that we try to share what we have learned with anyone and everyone who will listen.

We've taken personality-type quizzes while in the Army, on spiritual retreats, and through job enrichment workshops. But our passion for understanding each other started when we attended a marriage enrichment retreat.  (However, this does not mean that these insights are somehow limited to only romantic relationships!)

While on our WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we learned that I am a Thinker and Oscar is a Catalyst.  (The other two personality styles described were that of Helper and Organizer.) It was eye-opening for me to understand that there is a reason why Oscar tends to do or say things to annoy me - this only happens when he's bored and trying to get a reaction just to have some fun with it.  He doesn't mean for it to be disrespectful.  This is actually a useful skill when it comes to getting out of a rut of some kind, be that social or work-related.  Catalysts make things happen.  If nothing is going on, invite a Catalyst, and things will start to happen!  Ever since making this discovery, I no longer let it get to me when he tries to get on my nerves, because now I know that that isn't his intention at all.  In fact, whenever he starts to do something that causes an annoyed reaction in me, I'm now able to step back and call him on it: "you're being a Catalyst".  We have a good laugh about it and a potential argument is dissolved before it begins.  Oscar, on the other hand, is able to understand that whatever he asks me, I need to think about it first.  Whatever he wants me to try to do, I'll need to think about it first.  He understands why I am not spontaneous - that would take all the fun out of thinking about it first!

Another thing we learned on our weekend that we had previously read about in a book: There are five love languages that we utilize when considering how we express our love for others, and how we interpret others' love for us.  Gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch are different ways we can show someone that we care about them.  If two people speak the same love language (so to speak), then their mutual expressions of love are pretty effortless.  Each knows what the other wants because it's what they want, too.  But when they speak different love languages, most people do not consider the fact that just because I like something, someone else may not.  My primary love language is words of affirmation.  I need to hear praise, compliments, encouragement.  I actually need to hear or read these sentiments in words. It is not enough to imply it for me.  I do not feel accepted, appreciated, or loved if these words don't come sincerely and frequently.

Oscar, on the other hand, speaks Acts of Service.  He knows he is loved when someone does something for him.  And serving others is how he expresses his care as well.  He will go out of his way if need be to run an errand, do a chore, help in whatever way he can.  This action is how he shows he cares.  The words to him are unnecessary.  Whereas I like to voice my love for him, but never connected mundane tasks like doing the dishes with an expression of my love.  Thanks to this realization about the different love languages, I have started to make a point of doing things I don't like to do but need to be done, because they now carry a special meaning.  They're not just chores anymore, but expressions of my care for Oscar.  This knowledge makes the task much more pleasant for me, and Oscar gets a steady dose of affirmation that I care about him.  To a lesser degree, we enjoy quality time and physical touch as well, but luckily neither of us is big on gifts as an expression of love. (I say luckily because when one person speaks Gifts and the other does not, a lot of arguments about "wasted" money can ensue. When both or neither speaks Gifts, there isn't this problem.)

Our temperaments are another key to understanding each other.  We read about the four temperaments - Choleric, Sanguine, Phlegmatic, and Melancholic - in a book. It was after reading about these four temperaments that I realized I could apply this information to any relationship, not just my marriage.  It was no surprise to me that I am Melancholic - this would follow if I'm a Thinker according to the previous assessment.  Oscar is a Sanguine - a friendly, happy-go-lucky life of the party.  Again, makes sense for a Catalyst to always be looking for a good time!  And then I read the section about Cholerics and saw my mother.  Suddenly, I began to understand why we often butted heads.  Apparently, the most difficult temperament for a Melancholic child to have in a parent is Choleric!  I'm overly sensitive - Cholerics are the least sensitive of the bunch.  Therefore, I take every little thing personally and dwell on it (remember, I'm a Thinker! That's what I do - I think, overthink, psychoanalyze every comment, gesture, action.)

One of the latest contributors to our wealth of knowledge about how different personalities can better get along comes from a parenting book: Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.  I ordered the book when Natalia was about 4 months old, suspecting that she may be "spirited", a euphemism that basically means having more challenging behavior.  To my surprise, as I started reading the fascinating descriptions of what a spirited child is like, why, and what strategies can be helpful in working with - rather than against - a spirited child, I started to see myself in the role of spirited child!  No one ever talks about spirited adults, but it makes sense that spirited children grow up to be spirited adults!  So what can be expected of a spirited person? The aspects that apply to me include: a negative first reaction, slow to transition, intense reactions, sensitive, persistent, perceptive, serious and analytical mood.  Two other criteria are common among spirited folks: high energy and irregularity in bodily functions (sleep, hunger, bathroom breaks). Natalia seems to fit the description of a spirited child after all.  For instance, we cannot get her on any sort of sleeping schedule. Her bedtime can vary by two or more hours, regardless how we try to finagle her naps. But she warrants her own post!

Let me flesh out how these attributes look in me.  A negative first reaction is pretty self-explanatory. Whenever I am asked to try something new, for instance, my immediate reaction is no.  I often come around to a yes, but for someone who doesn't know this about me they may give up after the first try. Similarly, I'm slow to transition to anything new.  It takes me longer than most people to feel comfortable in any new endeavor. I have strong (intense) reactions to my emotions, both positive and negative.  Some may say that I "overreact" because of this.  (Just ask Oscar how I react to something I find very funny!) I'm also sensitive, so I experience my emotions more deeply than many others.  If I'm sad, I'm automatically very sad.  If I'm upset, I'm quite angry. I am persistent when I get fixated on wanting to do something.  This can be good in that it keeps me from quitting too easily.  Then again, it can be bad in that I may come across as stubborn and unyielding. I'm more perceptive than others, too.  I notice things others don't give a second thought to.  I have an eye for grammatical errors (don't call me on any typos here!), I notice sexist language.  I observe subtle facial expressions and intonation in people.  As a whole, I tend to stay serious and analytical, which makes sense if I'm always thinking about what I notice!

Another somewhat less recent addition to our repertoire has been the Called and Gifted workshop and small group discussions that followed.  Oscar and I both went through the workshop at our previous church several years ago, before I was pregnant with Natalia.  Then I went through it again this year, and followed up with 7 weeks of small group discussions.  The idea behind the Called and Gifted workshop is that God gives different people different gifts that He intends for us to use in order to share His grace with other.  These are different from talents, which are merely things we are good at. Charisms are skills we are meant to use for the benefit of others.  We can't help but share them, and they're bound to have positive results when used in the correct spirit.  There are many possibilities, some not even included in the inventory of the workshop.  My most likely charisms are writing, teaching, knowledge - all in line with the other assessments that indicate that I'm a melancholic thinker who is perceptive, intense, and sensitive.  Oscar, on the other hand, suspects his charisms include service (which makes total sense since his love language is acts of service).

With this background information, in a future post, I will try to delve into some of my other relationships in light of the differences between us.

Hodgepodge Parenting is Branching Out!

I have decided to open up our family blog to the wider blogosphere.  After keeping the first year of this endeavor private and focusing on maintaining what's essentially been a virtual scrapbook of photos and videos, I've decided that I want to focus more of my time on a long-standing passion of mine - writing.  There have been a few written posts here over the past year, but with a limited audience, I tried to keep those to a minimum.  However, I'm ready to join the blogosphere of mommy bloggers as I share my thoughts on some of my favorite topics, especially as they influence my parenting in some way.  Here's what you can expect:

attachment parenting
gentle discipline
green living
raising a multilingual child
stay-at-home parenting
minimalism
homeschooling
spiritual independence/deism

That last one is a relatively new development that I finally feel ready to be open about.  I am a spiritual seeker, and I've spent years mulling over big existential questions.  It took motherhood to finally show me what's really important in life, what adds to authentic living and what doesn't, and that belief in God need not be limited to membership in an organized religion.

Homeschooling doesn't technically apply to us just yet, but since I take a long time to get used to anything (I'm a spirited adult, an outgrowth of a spirited child), I have begun to incorporate preschool activities into our daily routine.

Minimalism has been something I wish I had discovered years ago!  For me, it helps to have a label for things in order to better incorporate them into my psyche.  As it turns out, my mom has been a minimalist for years, but it wasn't until I discovered the term and concept online that I - and Alex - got on board.

Stay-at-home parenting didn't seem like much of a topic for me until I recently realized that it's going to take more effort for both me and Natalia to make friends.  If she were in daycare and I were employed outside the home, our social lives would not be an issue.  But since our domain is the home, I see that it is an issue worth considering.

Raising a multilingual child was a no-brainer for Alex and me.  For years we've said that any children we have will grow up knowing our respective native languages.  Luckily, I've since discovered an online presence of like-minded parents who are making an effort to raise their children as multilingual, seeing the benefits and embracing the challenges.  Natalia is learning Polish, Spanish, and English simultaneously, plus we use some signs with her to help us communicate.  If you're wondering, no, she is not "talking" yet, but this is a very fluid milestone, not something she just wakes up doing one day.  She does, however, communicate with us both through signs and a few proto-words, as well as gestures.

Green living has sadly taken a bit of a backseat since we downsized to an apartment, mainly because we stopped composting.  However, it is still an issue near and dear to my heart, and it gives me great pleasure when I can do something in an environmentally conscious way.  We use cloth diapers and elimination communication along with organic disposable diapers, as an example.  And as the blog title states - hodgepodge is my approach.  No extremes.  There are ideals, yes, but there's also real life.  No guilt, just ongoing effort and education.

Gentle discipline is something I'm learning about as Natalia has moved from the relatively "easy" phase of infant into toddlerhood.  Coming from attachment parenting, where a baby's cry is understood to indicate a need and not a mere whim, I'm having to learn new strategies as I lovingly set limits for Natalia while allowing her as much independence as possible.

And speaking of attachment parenting, it was a rough start (there are a few posts on the subject in the archives), but both Alex and I are now starting to reap the benefits of forming a secure attachment with our daughter.  For anyone interested, we are extended breastfeeding since Natalia is nearly 14 months old and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends nursing "only" to the first birthday.  However, the World Health Organization recommends nursing up to the second birthday, and that is the goal I have undertaken.  Natalia and I also cosleep, which is absolute bliss and I'm so sad for babies (and parents!) who don't or can't embrace this type of nighttime parenting.  Finally, I wear Natalia in a carrier on walks and while vacuuming as a matter of course.  As she's become more mobile, she prefers to be running around instead.  (She started walking at 11.5 months old.)

So there you have it, an overview of my parenting strategy.  I hope over the coming months and posts, I'm able to share who we are and why we do what we do with anyone interested.  I know I've gained a lot of insight by reading about how other parents do what they do, and I just want to keep that synergy going!

Spirited Child

Maybe you’ve heard this term, “spirited child”?  Maybe you know that you have one?  In a nutshell, it’s a euphemism for what is commonly known as a “difficult” or “high-needs” child.  Putting a positive spin on the child with this sort of temperament (if indeed it could be called that), a spirited child is more intense, more sensitive, more perceptive, more persistent, and more energetic than the easy-going child.  (This according to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of “Raising Your Spirited Child”.)

I ordered a copy of this book when we noticed that Natalia balked at transitions, went straight to screaming rather than crying in the typical baby way, and seemed to demand a bit more attention than what we thought was normal for babies her age.  But this post is not about Natalia! Imagine my surprise when, as I started reading the book, it quickly became apparent that her mother – me! – is spirited! 

Some of you may know that I have taken an interest in the way temperaments and personality traits and preferences affect people’s relationships and experiences.  Thus far, I’ve delved into the four temperaments – choleric, melancholic (me), sanguine (Oscar), and phlegmatic – which have been hugely eye-opening for me. (See this book for a Catholic discussion of the temperaments.) Also, from our Marriage Encounter weekend, we learned about personality styles that underlie a person’s motivations – Thinker (me), Organizer, Helper, and Catalyst (Oscar).  This proved to be a huge help in our relationship.  And then there’s the now classic love languages, which are really useful in helping any two people – romantic couple or not – to better understand each other and appreciate each others' differences. (Mine is words of appreciation; Oscar's is acts of service.)

And now I have another layer to add to my repertoire of personality-in-relationships.  Reading Kurcinka’s book helped me to better accept myself, realizing that my “quirks” are actually a reflection of a whole outlook on life.  They’re not something I do on purpose to make my life – or the lives of others – more difficult.  It’s just that my way doesn’t jive smoothly with what society at large has come to accept as the norm.  What a relief!

So, what are these features of the spirited child or adult?  I’m glad you asked!

1. Intensity.  In some children, intensity comes across as loud tantrums.  In others, it may come across as a resistance to, well, anything.  I fall into the second category, that of the introverted spirited individual.
2. Persistence.  Traditionally, the negative term “stubborn” may have been applied instead.  It all depends on whether or not the goal that the spirited child has “locked into” is considered positive or negative. 
3. Sensitivity.  This refers to both emotions and physical sensations.  This trait causes the spirited child to become overwhelmed quite easily.
4. Perceptiveness.  The ability to notice things others don’t give a second glance can be seen as an asset, or it can be viewed as distractibility.
5. Adaptability.  In that spirited kids don’t adapt well to anything new. It takes them more time than most would assume to be the norm.

In addition, there are a few traits that some – but not all – spirited kids exhibit as well.

6. Regularity.  Some spirited kids do not have regular bodily rhythms.  They don’t get tired or hungry at the same, expected times.  For babies, this can be seen in an unreliable sleep and nap pattern, not fitting into the expected schedule of elimination, and eating seemingly at random times.  Good luck getting the spirited baby on a dependable schedule.  Routines just don't work with this set!
7. Energy.  Some spirited kids just can’t seem to ever use up all of their energy.  I know that when I think of spirited kids, whatever other characteristic is being played out, I always picture oodles of energy flowing out of the child in every direction, good or bad.
8. Negative First Reaction.  Some spirited kids have a standard first reaction to any new idea or situation, and that reaction is “no”.  I was amazed to read about this phenomenon, as it describes me to a T.

The more I read the book, the more of myself I saw in the descriptions.  I wish I – or my parents – had known about this when I was growing up.  Perhaps I could’ve been guided to better hone these traits, focusing on more productive expressions instead of what I’ve had to deal with all of my life.

(A quick note on the essential difference between extroverts and introverts; basically, it's a matter of how an individual recharges and where they get their energy.  Extroverts do so from "outside" their body, ie. by interacting with others.  Introverts do so from within, ie. by spending time alone.)

Introverted Intensity.

As an introvert, it’s been easy for me to fall right into a lifelong category of “shy”.  I consider it a curse and a hindrance to fully enjoying life.  It is not something one can just shake off, mind you.  For someone who doesn’t have these personality traits, it’s nearly impossible to appreciate that others experience the world differently without some serious time and effort.  As an introvert, my intensity didn’t seem to cause my parents much grief when I was growing up.  Instead, it caused me to be seen as a “little adult”.  I was always serious, pensive, observant.  I focused intently, but only on whatever caught my attention. 

It is this intensity that prevents me from being able to multi-task very effectively.  I have to know that I have ample time to complete a project before I even begin.  When Natalia is taking a cat-nap, I cannot simply use this time to “relax”, because by the time I get to the point of proper relaxation, her nap is over.

Persistence.

My persistent streak recently made an appearance when Natalia and I struggled to establish a breastfeeding relationship.  I couldn’t answer why I insisted on trying just one more thing before giving up on nursing her.  Now I know.  It just wasn’t in me to quit.  It was this same persistence that made it so difficult for me to finally withdraw from my PhD program at Georgetown.  I knew it was no longer working for me, but it was against my character to just give up.

Sensitivity.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am sensitive.  Many would actually say that I’m “too” sensitive.  Thanks to learning that I am spirited, I see that there’s no such thing as “too sensitive”, just that my sensitivity needs to be better focused.  I’ve been told that I have “the gift of tears”, meaning that I cry easily.  (How this is a gift is a post of it’s own.)  But it’s not just emotional sensitivity that I’ve been gifted with.  I suspect that I have what is known as misophonia, or selective sound sensitivity syndrome.  Sounds that others may not even notice can drive me absolutely to the point of insanity.  In the past, these sounds have included a neighbor’s bass thumping through the walls, Hunter’s whining, and – sigh – Oscar’s snoring.  But I also often pick up on smells others don’t notice.  Smoke, for instance.  On countless occasions I’ve been told that I’m “imagining things” because I smelled smoke when others didn’t.  I also have a sensitive palate – what others call “bland” food is just right for me, as I can discern the various tastes in the food when others require spices to help bring those flavors out.

Perceptiveness.

This has been a hassle for me at times.  I can’t help but notice typographical errors or other linguistic faux-pas.  It bothers me when I hear songs where verb tenses don’t match each other.  Perceptiveness is what got me interested in sexist language, because once I noticed its existence, I couldn’t easily go back to ignoring it’s presence in everything I read.  But it’s also what’s allowed me to proof-read and edit writing, and it’s helped me teach adults English. 

Adaptability and Negative First Response.

Ah, the crux of my shyness.  I am very slow to warm up to new people or new situations.  Couple this with the bonus trait of a negative first response, and you’ve got a regular party pooper!  No matter what the idea, regardless if it’s actually good, and without any attention paid to whom it’s coming from, when presented with something – anything – for the first time, my gut reaction is a resounding “no!”  I don’t like to try new things, even in light of looking back at examples of when I have eventually tried something new and came to love it.  That observation does not transfer onto subsequent new experiences.  I’m slow to make new friends, and this has compounded my shyness. 

In groups, it takes me a long time to take in what everyone else is saying before I’m ready to contribute. Unfortunately, due to typical group dynamics, this usually means that I end up not contributing anything at all.  Knowing what I know from my linguistic background, if my fellow group members come from a fast-paced dialect (such as stereotypical New Yorker), I don’t stand a chance.  I’ve had to try to force myself to interrupt others in order to get a word in edge-wise.  It’s very uncomfortable, as I see this as rude, but it’s the only way I can be heard in some settings.  More times than not, I simply opt out of being heard altogether.  :(

So if you’ve read this far, then you’ve hopefully gained some insight into my personality and why I react the way that I do.  If you’ve realized that you or your child are spirited, all the better!