Maybe you’ve heard this term, “spirited child”?
Maybe you know that you have one?
In a nutshell, it’s a euphemism for what is
commonly known as a “difficult” or “high-needs” child.
Putting a positive spin on the child with
this sort of temperament (if indeed it could be called that), a spirited child
is more intense, more sensitive, more perceptive, more persistent, and more
energetic than the easy-going child.
(This according to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of
“Raising Your Spirited Child”.)
I ordered a copy of this book when we noticed that Natalia
balked at transitions, went straight to screaming rather than crying in the
typical baby way, and seemed to demand a bit more attention than what we
thought was normal for babies her age. But
this post is not about Natalia! Imagine my surprise when, as I started reading the book, it
quickly became apparent that her mother – me! – is spirited!
Some of you may know that I have taken an interest in the
way temperaments and personality traits and preferences affect people’s
relationships and experiences.
Thus far,
I’ve delved into the four temperaments – choleric, melancholic (me), sanguine (Oscar), and
phlegmatic – which have been hugely eye-opening for me.
(See this book for a Catholic discussion of the temperaments.) Also, from our
Marriage Encounter weekend, we
learned about personality styles that underlie a person’s motivations –
Thinker (me), Organizer, Helper, and Catalyst (Oscar).
This proved to be a huge help in our relationship.
And then there’s the now classic
love languages, which are really useful in helping any two people – romantic couple
or not – to better understand each other and appreciate each others'
differences. (Mine is words of appreciation; Oscar's is acts of service.)
And now I have another layer to add to my repertoire of personality-in-relationships. Reading Kurcinka’s book helped me to better
accept myself, realizing that my “quirks” are actually a reflection of a whole
outlook on life. They’re not something I
do on purpose to make my life – or the lives of others – more difficult. It’s just that my way doesn’t jive smoothly
with what society at large has come to accept as the norm. What a relief!
So, what are these features of the spirited child or
adult? I’m glad you asked!
- Intensity. In some children, intensity comes across
as loud tantrums. In others, it may
come across as a resistance to, well, anything. I fall into the second category, that of
the introverted spirited individual.
- Persistence. Traditionally, the negative term
“stubborn” may have been applied instead.
It all depends on whether or not the goal that the spirited child
has “locked into” is considered positive or negative.
- Sensitivity. This refers to both emotions and
physical sensations. This trait
causes the spirited child to become overwhelmed quite easily.
- Perceptiveness. The ability to notice things others
don’t give a second glance can be seen as an asset, or it can be viewed as
distractibility.
- Adaptability. In that spirited kids don’t adapt well
to anything new. It takes them more time than most would assume to be the
norm.
In addition, there are a few traits that some – but not all
– spirited kids exhibit as well.
- Regularity. Some spirited kids do not have regular
bodily rhythms. They don’t get
tired or hungry at the same, expected times. For babies, this can be seen in an
unreliable sleep and nap pattern, not fitting into the expected schedule
of elimination, and eating seemingly at random times. Good luck getting the spirited baby on a dependable schedule. Routines just don't work with this set!
- Energy. Some spirited kids just can’t seem to
ever use up all of their energy. I
know that when I think of spirited kids, whatever other characteristic is
being played out, I always picture oodles of energy flowing out of the
child in every direction, good or bad.
- Negative First
Reaction. Some spirited kids have a
standard first reaction to any new idea or situation, and that reaction is
“no”. I was amazed to read about
this phenomenon, as it describes me to a T.
The more I read the book, the more of myself I saw in the
descriptions. I wish I – or my parents –
had known about this when I was growing up.
Perhaps I could’ve been guided to better hone these traits, focusing on
more productive expressions instead of what I’ve had to deal with all of my
life.
(A quick note on the essential difference between extroverts and introverts; basically, it's a matter of how an individual recharges and where they get their energy. Extroverts do so from "outside" their body, ie. by interacting with others. Introverts do so from within, ie. by spending time alone.)
Introverted Intensity.
As an introvert, it’s been easy for me to fall right into a
lifelong category of “shy”. I consider
it a curse and a hindrance to fully enjoying life. It is not something one can just shake off,
mind you. For someone who doesn’t have
these personality traits, it’s nearly impossible to appreciate that others
experience the world differently without some serious time and effort. As an introvert, my intensity didn’t seem to
cause my parents much grief when I was growing up. Instead, it caused me to be seen as a “little
adult”. I was always serious, pensive,
observant. I focused intently, but only
on whatever caught my attention.
It is this intensity that prevents me from being able to
multi-task very effectively. I have to
know that I have ample time to complete a project before I even begin. When Natalia is taking a cat-nap, I cannot
simply use this time to “relax”, because by the time I get to the point of
proper relaxation, her nap is over.
Persistence.
My persistent streak recently made an appearance when
Natalia and I struggled to establish a breastfeeding relationship. I couldn’t answer why I insisted on trying
just one more thing before giving up on nursing her. Now I know.
It just wasn’t in me to quit. It
was this same persistence that made it so difficult for me to finally withdraw
from my PhD program at Georgetown. I knew it was no longer working for me, but
it was against my character to just give up.
Sensitivity.
Everyone who knows me knows that I am sensitive. Many would actually say that I’m “too”
sensitive. Thanks to learning that I am
spirited, I see that there’s no such thing as “too sensitive”, just that my
sensitivity needs to be better focused. I’ve
been told that I have “the gift of tears”, meaning that I cry easily. (How this is a gift is a post of it’s
own.) But it’s not just emotional
sensitivity that I’ve been gifted with.
I suspect that I have what is known as misophonia, or selective sound sensitivity
syndrome. Sounds that others may not
even notice can drive me absolutely to the point of insanity. In the past, these sounds have included a
neighbor’s bass thumping through the walls, Hunter’s whining, and – sigh –
Oscar’s snoring. But I also often pick
up on smells others don’t notice. Smoke,
for instance. On countless occasions
I’ve been told that I’m “imagining things” because I smelled smoke when others
didn’t. I also have a sensitive palate –
what others call “bland” food is just right for me, as I can discern the
various tastes in the food when others require spices to help bring those
flavors out.
Perceptiveness.
This has been a hassle for me at times. I can’t help but notice typographical errors
or other linguistic faux-pas. It bothers
me when I hear songs where verb tenses don’t match each other. Perceptiveness is what got me interested in sexist
language, because once I noticed its existence, I couldn’t easily go back to
ignoring it’s presence in everything I read.
But it’s also what’s allowed me to proof-read and edit writing, and it’s
helped me teach adults English.
Adaptability and Negative First Response.
Ah, the crux of my shyness.
I am very slow to warm up to new people or new situations. Couple this with the bonus trait of a
negative first response, and you’ve got a regular party pooper! No matter what the idea, regardless if it’s
actually good, and without any attention paid to whom it’s coming from, when
presented with something – anything – for the first time, my gut reaction is a
resounding “no!” I don’t like to try new
things, even in light of looking back at examples of when I have eventually
tried something new and came to love it.
That observation does not transfer onto subsequent new experiences. I’m slow to make new friends, and this has
compounded my shyness.
In groups, it takes me a long time to take in what everyone
else is saying before I’m ready to contribute. Unfortunately, due to typical group dynamics,
this usually means that I end up not contributing anything at all. Knowing what I know from my linguistic
background, if my fellow group members come from a fast-paced dialect (such as
stereotypical New Yorker), I don’t stand a chance. I’ve had to try to force myself to interrupt
others in order to get a word in edge-wise.
It’s very uncomfortable, as I see this as rude, but it’s the only way I
can be heard in some settings. More
times than not, I simply opt out of being heard altogether. :(
So if you’ve read this far, then you’ve hopefully gained
some insight into my personality and why I react the way that I do. If you’ve realized that you or your child are
spirited, all the better!
