Breastfeeding Drama (3 of 3)

Start with Part 1. Or, go to Part 2.

It has now been roughly 10 weeks, and I am finally reaping the glorious benefits of exclusive breastfeeding.  There was a period of adjustment where I weighed Natalia on a rented baby scale before and after each feeding to gauge how much she was taking in.  With a little time, I was reassured that Natalia was more efficient at expressing my milk than event he hospital-grade pump I had rented, and that indeed I was producing enough milk to meet her needs.  With this reassurance, I was able to wean her off of formula and bottles.  At her recent 4 month visit to her pediatrician, it was confirmed that she is growing steadily and there is officially no reason to worry that I need to be supplementing her feedings. I’ve suspected as much for almost 2 months, but it’s official now :).

I nurse Natalia “on cue”, meaning that if she’s hungry, I feed her.  I do not try to artificially impose a feeding schedule on her.  We do keep track of her feedings, so we have an idea of how long she usually goes between feedings, but she’s the expert on her own hunger cues.  Once Natalia was 3 months old, I felt comfortable having her sleep with me in the big bed.  Oh, what bliss!  Not only do I not have to be separated from her for the night, but breastfeeding is a cinch.  She goes about 4 hours without waking up at night.  When she gets hungry and/or feels the urge to pee, she starts wiggling around.  This gently rouses me, and I change her diaper (if needed – lately they’ve been dry!), hold her over her little potty to pee, nurse her, and we go back to sleep. 

On nights when for some reason she is up more frequently and doesn’t need a diaper change, just a snack, I am able to simply bring her closer to me and nurse without much ado.  Perhaps she wakes up frequently during the night, but upon seeing or feeling that I’m right there, she drifts right back to sleep.  I don’t know.  I’m sleeping.  That’s the beauty of it!  I remember having to wake up and dash across the hallway multiple times each night when our former foster daughter, VV, would wake up, often not needing anything other than a reassuring pat or cuddle.  No such drama here!

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my nights this much if we were still bottle feeding.  I don’t even express breastmilk regularly anymore.  Maybe once a week or so, just to have some on hand, frozen for later if I’m ever away from her for too long.

And so there you have it – the long story of the difficult road we traveled to a happy breastfeeding relationship.  But I have not forgotten the rollercoaster of emotions I went through trying to nourish my baby.  I appreciate the difficulties other women may have with their babies, and I do not judge anyone who simply cannot breastfeed.  I’ve been successful for two main reasons:  I’m able to stay home with Natalia and Oscar was able to take 6 weeks of paternity leave during which time he could help me to a degree that wouldn’t have been possible had he been working.  Most women do not have the same luxuries as I did. 

So while greatly appreciative of my own resolved breastfeeding issues, I leave you with my counter arguments to the most common reasons given that often lay a guilt trip on women to breastfeed:

1. it's free  (it hasn't been, it's cost me over $500 in medical bills (copays for breast surgeon and antibiotics), lactation consultant fees, nipple cream, nipple shield, nipple shells, supplements for yeast, breast pump, rental of baby scale and breast pump, and one nursing bra and one nursing tank)

2. it's easy/convenient (it hasn't been, it's been first and foremost painful, damaged my nipple, then my breast from the abscess, not to mention the frustration of it all)

3. it's environmentally friendly (this it is, unless you need the help of pumps and bottles and various other gadgets, like I've perused.  Then, is it really any different than formula feeding?)

4. it helps you bond (it didn't in the beginning, when I would nurse in tears, dreading the next feeding.  I distinctly remember when I broke down to supplement with formula in a bottle the night after a nipple piece went missing and mastisis set in, that I said to Oscar  that I don't want to miss enjoying my daughter because I'm so fixated on trying to breastfeed). 

5. immunities/antibodies - this is probably the only one I can't argue with.

For anyone who is struggling or has struggled to breastfeed, if you ever feel guilty about it – don’t! A lesson I had to learn was that while the pro-exclusive breastfeeding folks would have me believe that I am – and ought to be – the center of my baby’s universe if I know what’s good for her, I in fact believe that God has used our struggles to humble me instead.  I had to share my daughter with formula, bottles, and pacifiers, because pain prevented me from being able to fulfill all of her suckling needs on my own.  And this helps me to remember that Natalia is a child of God first and foremost, and I have merely been tasked with the responsibility and privilege of raising her.