Today my father was buried in Poland, in the same grave as his parents. He is back home with his Mother. My mom fulfilled his last request by taking the trip in spite of the cost, headaches and heartaches, and physical difficulties that arise from her health. My brother and his wife accompanied her on the journey. It was bittersweet for me to not be there, but I am content with my decision. I said goodbye to him at the funeral home where he was cremated, the day after he passed on. Then I had several "visists" with him in the vicinity of his urn while he stayed with my Mom, and I even kept his urn in my house for a time. Several years ago, when my parents were visiting us for Christmas (which was a rare event), I thanked him for bringing me to this country and for being instrumental in how my life turned out. I wish we could've had a better relationship than we did, but I'm also relieved to finally be allowed to grieve and get closure.
Today marks the 25th anniversary of the day he was involved in a motorcycle accident that left him with a severe traumatic brain injury. He passed on the day before my parents' 46th wedding anniversary, and serendipitously he was buried on the anniversary of the accident that could've killed him but didn't. We got an extra 23 years with him, albeit he was a different version of himself.
Today is also the summer solstice; the longest day and shortest night of the year. Auspicious in my opinion. The night is short and will soon pass. Time is an illusion. It is only the boundaries of the container that holds our drinking water. With or without it, the water is still there, still able to quench our thirst. The glass just makes it easier while we're having our human experience.
My faith is not where it's been before. I don't believe in the literal stories associated with the organized religion of my upbringing. I believe it's all symbolic and often serves as more of a handicap than an insight into the deep mysteries of Spirit. Instead, I have embraced philosophical Daoism. My Dad is no less than he was 2 years ago, no less than he was 25 years ago. Just different, again. We're just on different vibrational frequencies now, that's all.
I no longer try to force things into religious interpretations. Rather, I try to empty my mind of limiting beliefs, of ego-centric assumptions, of internalized interpretations that are not based on my own personal experience. It's not that my Dad "went to heaven". It's more that he never left it, and has now been reunited with Source in an unadulterated way, without the confines of a physical body, a human experience, or the limitations of time and space. It's MY experience that I have to reconfigure, not his. I'm the one who isn't living in reality. I'm the one who is running on autopilot instead of being mindful of the incredible miracle that is every breath and heartbeat and moment.
I don't have to be here. I once wasn't here, and I won't always be here. But .... that's only true IF I identify my personal "I" with this human mind and body. Instead, if I recognize that I am not my body or my mind, but something far greater, that I AM a mere part of a much greater whole, that I am energy, I am spirit, I am light, I am being - then I simply float in and out of "existence" via incarnations, but who knows what I'm doing in between incarnations. Who knows what consciousness is like outside the confines of a physical brain.
Anywho, this was the first funeral for both my Mom and my brother, so in that regard, I'm glad they got the chance to participate over me. I've been to three other funerals: my great-grandmother, my best friend, and my father-in-law. Each was completely different, with a completely different cultural setting. And each was clearly for the benefit of those of us left behind.
One thing I know and I've told my children and husband - I do not have any "last wishes" regarding how my body should be handled after I die. I prefer cremation, but outside of that, I want whatever will be most comfortable, convenient, and affordable to them at the time. I will have already moved on from the attachments of this current life, so why continue to string my loved ones along when they can be free like me.
