My First Anniversary of Giving Birth

The first anniversary of my giving birth to my daughter is fast approaching.  As we prepare to mark this milestone in her life, I consider how the anniversary of birthing her is its own event, aside from the anniversary of her being born.  Birthdays are rightly celebrated as the day families meet newborns face to face for the first time, welcoming them into their arms, homes, lives.  It is the date we use to mark the years as they pass by, adding to our repertoire of experiences and wisdom (we hope!).  But birthdays should also remind us of a very intense event in the lives of the women who birthed us. 

After years of infertility and pursuing adoption, I cannot help but note that giving birth and motherhood are not the same thing.  For one thing, adoptive mothers do not give birth to their children.  They celebrate their children’s birthdays in gratitude of their entrance into the world, but even if they were physically present at their child’s arrival, the birth is not an event they personally experienced.  Similarly, a mother who gives birth and then makes an adoption plan for her child to be raised by another family must make peace with the dual aspect of this day’s anniversary.  Or the mother of a baby born still.  Or a surrogate mother.  While they may not have the day-to-day experience of mothering the child they birthed, that event in itself deserves recognition.

After giving birth to Natalia, I struggled to make peace with the experience of her delivery.  It wasn’t quite the way I had imagined it.  I was disappointed with some aspects of the outcome.  I didn’t get to labor in the birthing pool as was the plan, never mind having a waterbirth.  I felt a little discombobulated with the progress of labor and the absence of Oscar for several hours of labor.  And I was definitely upset that my hypnosis preparation didn’t seem to ease any of the pain.

It took months and months of reflecting on the birth, talking about it, and considering how I thought it fell short to finally arrive at a place where I can accept Natalia’s birth for what it was, not for what I had hoped it would be.  After all, the end result is all that ever mattered, and no ideal birth could have made up for the heartache some women face when they do not have a take-home baby after their labor of love.

That’s why I realized that my birthing experience warrants its own, separate anniversary celebration; a way to commemorate the event and put closure on any lingering disappointments.  

My birth experience has taught me several things.  It taught me that I am capable of a lot more than some people might have given me credit for.  Therefore, I should remember this whenever someone attempts to belittle me or question my abilities. 

My birth experience also taught me that sometimes, even the best of intentions and preparations does not yield the desired result.  This must be OK.  We cannot measure our success in life based on whether or not we meet certain goals.  Rather, success should be measured by how we embrace whatever comes our way.  Success is relevant in what is, not what should have been. 

Finally, my birth experience also taught me that there are worse things than physical pain.  Even though I don’t have any other birth to compare it to, I cannot imagine having to endure some of the things I read others experiencing as part of their medicalised hospital births. As much as I hate pain and generally do all I can to avoid it, natural childbirth in the comfort of my own home allowed me to have privacy, autonomy, freedom, empowerment, and tranquility during my labor, delivery, and early postpartum period.

I don’t necessarily foresee celebrating my birth experience every year.  However, to mark the first anniversary is important to me.  It allows me to take stock of what I accomplished by pursuing the kind of birth I envisioned and what I learned by having my ideal birth fall short. It allows me to empathize with women who are not mothering the children they gave birth to.  And it allows me to appreciate my own mother in an entirely new way. 

I didn’t need to give birth to my daughter in order to consider myself her mother.  That just happens to be the way our relationship evolved.  However, I am so grateful to her, because without her, I wouldn’t have grown and learned through the experience of her birth.  Happy birth day to us both!