What is success for me? Forget what I've been taught by society, by my education, by the media, by my family. If I'm brutally honest with myself, what constitutes a successful life? I'd have to say that it'd be a life lived to the fullest. Ok, what does that mean, a life lived to the fullest? No regrets. Every opportunity pursued. Opportunity to do what? Ah! Opportunity to enjoy life, to have fun, to be happy!
And what makes me happy?
Sleep - 8-10 hours per night.
Reading - time to read about my topics of choice.
Writing/blogging - to process my thoughts and share my opinions, perhaps share knowledge as well.
Watching my favorite shows - to escape, decompress, learn, have a good laugh.
Snacking/eating favorite foods - healthy but delicious.
Being in the moment - watching nature, listening to music, yoga, coloring (!).
Making a difference in someone's life and being recognized and appreciated.
I've recently had an episode of global doubt as to my fulfillment in life. Again. It upset me especially because for years I told myself that being a mother would check off all the requirements I had for living a purpose-driven life. And here I am, my daily priority being the well-being of my daughter, yet I keep feeling like the two of us are sort of hovering in a little black hole known as our home, and only occasionally do we take a peak at the outside world, usually via Oscar.
Apparently, this bothers me. This sort of life feels more like a waiting room for something bigger and better than a fully lived life. Perhaps it's because I thrive on having goals to work towards. But I suppose the kind of goals that motivate me have to be rather concrete. "Becoming a better cook" is not going to do it for me. Neither is "being there for my daughter." I keep thinking that once we start homeschooling, I'll have regular goal-setting as part of our routine, and we'll have more concrete ways to show my accomplishments. But then again, what if I'm just moving the target of happiness from here and now to soon or later?
Worst case scenario, I live a life without having made a noticeable contribution to society at large. Worst case scenario, I leave this world with a net zero impact one way or another, having lived a neutral life that at least didn't harm anyone. Would that be so bad?
Two things wrong with this idea. First, I know that the difference I've made already in the lives of various people has been on a small but note-worthy scale. No, history won't reflect my contributions, but this brings me to the second thing wrong with this idea. Am I so attached to my ego, to this current form I'm occupying, to want to have it recorded in history?! Am I really that egotistical?
People say to learn about great minds, great movers and shakers to be inspired. It has the opposite effect on me. I inadvertently compare myself with the great figures of history and immediately notice that I fall short and simply cannot compare. They actually don't inspire me at all, but rather depress me! No, what I need is to start learning about everyday mediocre people, and how they are finding fulfillment, meaning, satisfaction in their ho-drum lives.
Because let's be honest. Do I want to be "successful" in the conventional understanding of the word, even if it leaves me discontent? Or do I really want to live at peace, in tranquility, fully content with my life, regardless of whether others see me as successful or not? The answer is obvious, yet hard to apply.
