Modesty and Body Positivity

 So I have been teaching my children (daughter and son) how to present themselves in public in a respectful and appropriate manner (aka: modestly), while also encouraging them to speak up for themselves and feel free to speak their minds and confidently be who God made them to be.  Lately, it has entered my radar that there are people (a lot of them, apparently) who see the two as incompatible.

I understand that modesty is a tricky word, especially since it is culturally-bound and changes over time.  However, we do live in a particular time and place, so there's no sense in getting philosophical about it.  As long as we're living in North America in the 2020s, we will abide by certain boundaries around what is considered scandalous by the majority of others who share this part of the planet with us. 

That said, I also realize that my opinion is quickly becoming out-dated as more and more people associate exposed skin with confidence.  

Frankly, I believe that confidence is something that comes from within, and that if one is truly in possession of it, then what one does or does not wear will not affect it.  Now, one's reputability may be affected, but not one's confidence.

I'm thinking here of all the women who dress very modestly, even more modestly than I would think necessary - often due to their religious convictions.  And I am generally impressed with how poised they are, how certain of who they are.  They are not worried about getting external validation in order to feel comfortable in their own skin.  They are not "hiding", as nay-sayers often accuse modest women of.  (And I say women here because let's be honest, no one seems to care one way or another when a man is being immodest by going shirtless, for instance.  At least no one I know.)

And then I think of the women who supposedly are being "body positive" by posting images of themselves on social media, scantly dressed, often in provokative poses.  There is no question they are fishing for compliments. This is not confidence!  Confidence is going against the grain and doing your own thing and ignoring naysayers.  You know, like modest people often do.

But I didn't start writing this to judge or complain about others.  I'm actually trying to figure out where I stand on all of this.  I do not see confidence as a spectrum where modesty and body positivity are on opposite ends.  I see both as valuable, and I intent to continue to teach the value of both to my children and to try implementing both for myself.

What I struggle with, what I can actually help, is not how others choose to dress or present themselves, but rather, how I react to their choices.  There is a list of fashion choices that, when I notice them on others, always make me cringe. (This list is not sex-specific.)

Exposed thighs on anyone above toddler age.

Exposed midrift.

Exposed back.

Exposed shoulders, especially on men.

Exposed cleavage/chest.

Or skin-tight clothing in the "bathing suit" region. (I will say here that I only use the phrase "bathing suit" because it's commonly understood in my society.  I actually do not think what passes as swimwear is very appropriate either.)

Or visible underwear. 

I make this list not to shame anyone, but to share what is so common and therefore unavoidable for me to notice.  I am not in any way sexually attracted to people due to their immodesty.  That's not what this is about.  I know a lot of religiously-motivated pro-modesty folks use it as a reason to push for modesty, so as not to "cause your brother to stumble" (1 Corinthians 8:9, Mark 9:42).  

Rather, I feel put off by them, and distracted.  I think, are they aware of the effect they are having on others and just don't care?  Are they trying to make a point? (Perhaps a "body positivity" point?) Are they desperate for attention, any attention?

And now I added new questions to my usual list of inquiries: 

Why does it matter which of these, if any, is true?  

Why does it bother me?  

In what way am I personally affected by other people's choice of dress?

My first reaction is that this is merely a knee-jerk reaction to the judgmentalism that I am prone to in general. I grew up being compared to others as a way to locate myself, and I continue to do so even though I work hard not to.  If I want to be seen as modest, it's almost as if I'm on the hunt for people who are less modest than me, so I can reassure myself that at least I'm more modest than *them*.

But another reason, now that I'm a parent, is that I am on the lookout for anything that my children are exposed to that I may need to either shield them from or have a discussion about or otherwise help them navigate. So since I am trying to maintain certain standards in our home, when I see my children exposed to different standards, I worry about them thinking something is appropriate when it does not fit our family standard.  To be fair, we talk about situations when people are much more modest than us as well.  We talk about how others think it's inappropriate for a woman to expose her hair, for instance, which is why she may wear a head scarf, but we don't think it's inappropriate, and so we do.

Other people's immodesty bothers me for a variety of reasons.  I do not like to be around naked people.  I think a lot of people (perhaps not nudists) would agree with me on this point.  So when someone is dressed in a way that shows more skin than it covers, the line between "dressed" and "naked" gets blurred in my mind, I guess, and I feel uncomfortable around these "almost naked" people.  It does not matter to me if they're female or male.  Skin is skin, and naked is naked.  

Finally, I am personally affected by other people's apparent immodesty because I do not yet possess the type of confidence I spoke of at the beginning of this post.  I still do look to what others are doing to situate myself.  I look for approval of my own apparel, if not verbally, then implicitly.  And when there are people dressed drastically different from me in my vicinity, I take that as an implied comment on the appropriateness of how I am dressed.  Perhaps I subconsciously think I'm being judged for being too prudish, or not feminine enough.  In today's culture, it seems that the only way to be unequivocally "feminine" is to be "sexy".  So when my subconscious insecurities about being modest enough or feminine enough get triggered, these are expressed by my lamenting the dress choices of others.

It's easy for me to sit here and place blame on those immodest folks, and how I'm not the one asking for attention.  But I am the one in charge of my thoughts.  Believe it or not, we all are.  We cannot control what others do or don't do, but we do control what we think, feel, say, and do.  It isn't always easy, but it is within the realm of our own control. 

Modesty isn't the only manner in which I take issue about how others show up.  Cursing or other word choices is a point of judgment for me, as are artistic expressions in the form of piercings, tattoos, unnatural hair colors, or clothing styles that are not immodest but just "loud". 

Perhaps I can place all of these observations quietly into a little corner in my mind where I keep track of "things I don't like".  After all, I have a right to my opinion.  But it's not in my best interest to allow my opinion to take over how I see those around me.  And it would be prudent of me to teach my children to be more nuanced as well - we have certain standards, others disagree with us, and neither of us has to be "wrong".